Christmas

This year, I am struggling with finding my Christmas Spirit. I have gratitude and love for a loving Father in Heaven that sent His beloved Son to a world that would not love and honor Him. I am grateful that that Son chose to be my Savior. That He willingly atoned for my sins. That He willingly bore my grief and pain. That I have not been alone this year. I cannot adequately express my love and appreciation for my Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ for all that they have done for me, this year especially.

However, I have no desire to set up my Christmas Tree. I don't want any presents. I haven't bought any presents. The things that I want, I can't have right now.

Christmas was Jarom's favorite time of year. His eyes would sparkle. He would get excited for Santa to come visit. He usually did not sleep a lot Christmas Eve night and would be up at 5:00 a.m. waiting to open presents. A couple of years it was just him and I sitting in the front room with the Christmas Tree lights glowing, presents piled under the tree, and the house was still. We would just sit there waiting, talking. I can never do that with him again and it kills me. I will never be able to lay under the tree with him and look up at the lights. I am not doubting that I will see him again. I know I will. The pain of missing him right now though, is awful.

Five months to the day after I lost Jarom, I lost my father-in-law. He was diagnosed with cancer at the end of June and went down his quickly. It has been very difficult watching Austin go through his grief. He does not have the same sure knowledge that I have, I know he worries that he will never see his dad again. We both miss him. It makes it hard that Christmas was one Gary's favorite times of year. He loved having his family all together. He cherished it. It will be hard spending Christmas Eve at his home without him there.

Perhaps the most difficult thing I have been struggling with has been what might have been. I miscarried in June. I didn't know I was pregnant. If my calculations were correct though, I would have been welcoming a baby right now, instead of sitting at my desk at work. My arms ache to hold a child of my own. Having to deal with all my other emotions right now on top of the fact that I don't get to bring a little child home for Christmas is what pierces my heart the most.

I feel like I am complaining and being ungrateful. Please know that I am very aware of my many blessing. I know that my family will be together again. All the family members and dear friends I have lost this year are not gone from me forever. I have felt them near, especially as I have attended the temple. I would not have made it through this year without the ability to go to the temple frequently. It is truly the place where heaven and earth meet. I have wonderful friends that have let me be antisocial, moody and sometimes an out right unpleasant person to be around, and they still love me and let me know that I am appreciated. I have a good job and wonderful employers that have been more than understanding this year. Austin has a job that supports us, and his employers have been very accommodating with all the time off and flexibility Austin has needed this year. I have a roof over my head, vehicles to drive, food to eat. I have been blessed beyond measure. I know that "it will all work out." I know that we can have joy and peace in times of trial. I have felt it. I know that enduring to the end, just doesn't mean enduring. We can have joy. We can have light. We just have to turn towards that source of everlasting light. We will be provided for in our hours of need.

Two Months

Dear Jarom,

It has been two months since you left us. There are so many thing that I had wanted to do with you. I wish you did not feel so alone. You are loved and greatly missed. I have wished so often in the past months that I could go back and relive that day. I would have called you that morning, I don't know that it would have made a difference, but I would have heard your voice.

I want you to know Jarom, that I know you are trying. I also know that you have a lot of people on both sides that are praying for you. You can do this. I have every confidence in you. We are all trying our best so that we will be together forever.

I love you. I'll be seeing you.

Love,

Kelsi

Temple

As I was at the temple last night, I knew Jarom was there. We shared some moments together and got to talk spirit to spirit. Let me start off by saying that I know that I belong to the true church. I know that my family was sealed for time and all eternity. I know that I will see Jarom again. However, I have been worried that perhaps some of the things that he did would disqualify him form the Celestial Kingdom. Was my baby brother too far gone to be saved?

I received my answer last night. No, he is not disqualified from the Celestial Kingdom. Does he have things he needs to work on, yes. Will the atonement cover all that needs to be redeemed, yes. I can have my brother with me forever.

I understand that I still need to work toward my own salvation, and that Jarom will too, but we can do it. All of my family can.

Run Away

I wrote in my actually journal last night. It was nice to get things out that I don't intend to share with anyone. Perhaps that is the reason that today, I just want to run away. Maybe if I run far enough, everything will go back to normal. I know it won't but the thought of it is wonderful.

Today My Heart Hurts

My heart has been slowly breaking since Jarom's passing. Today, my heart hurts. The weight of missing him is starting to sink in. I long for just one more chance to hug him. What am I going to do without him?

I know there is beauty in my sorrow. I have felt it and seen it. I have felt comfort and solace. I know I will see my brother again, I just wish I didn't have to wait so long.

"Cold" Water

Austin and I bought a house. I love my house. I love having solid floors again, and I love having a/c instead of swamp. I love it. We are having one hiccup though, the hot water heater that my bathroom uses is not working so Austin and I haven't been using our bathroom to shower. Sunday, I decided to bite the bullet and just use our shower with straight cold water. Let me tell you, Arizona is wonderful. I don't need hot water right now. My "cold" water is the perfect temperature to shower in the summer. It is cool and refreshing, not cold. I would go so far to say that it is the perfect temperature. I know it won't last forever and that I will eventually have to have Jarom come look at the water heater again, but right now, it is wonderful.

Pondering

A few months ago, I set a goal to attend the temple every week. Thus far, I have been doing very good. I have felt closer to my Savior and have felt better in general.

I sometimes get impressions while I am at the temple, either while I am waiting in initiatory or sitting in the celestial room after a session. Sadly, I have not been very good about writing these impressions down. Tonight, however, I had to do it.

I was doing initiatory for some family names. As I was sitting and waiting, I thought about a person who is dear to me. She hasn't gone through the temple, but I hope one day she will. I was thinking about the future day and how joyful it would be to be with her in the celestial room. How joyful it would be to welcome her into that holy place, and part of me was joyous at her coming as I sat in initiatory.

My mind then turned to my in-laws. They are not members, but I wanted them to partake in this joy I was feeling. I wanted them to be there with me to feel eternity and know that there is more to this life than their seemingly pointless sufferings. I wanted them to feel the love that permeates every corner of that hallowed edifice.

Then I thought of Austin. My dear, sweet Austin. How I wish the temple would go through him as it has me. I wish he would come with me. I miss him so. Oh what a joyous occasion it will be when I can sit with him in the celestial room again.

The problem with all these beautiful thoughts is I don't know how to make them happen. I do know, though, that I receive answers in the temple, and that I suppose is why I will continue to go. So the question of how to help these dear loved ones will be given.