Enlightening Class

Have you ever had one of those days when you are overwhelmed with how far you have to go to get to the Celestial Kingdom? I had one of those days today. I t is actually kind of depressing. I know I am not perfect and I have a ways to go, but I like to think that I am doing okay. On day s like today though, I feel so unworthy. I look back on my life and see all the things I have done wrong and I am overwhelmed with all the changes I must make. I have a love/hate relationship with enlightening days like today.

I am also frustrated. I have been doing so well not thinking about men, and lately my will is breaking. I want get married, not for the sake of getting married, but I need to concentrate on my school work. There are several men flitting through my mind and if I thought I stood a chance with them, I would pursue them. I feel so inferior to the men sometimes. I know I shouldn't, but the fact remains that I do. Sometimes I wish that someone would set-up dates for me so that I wouldn't feel too awkward. Oh, well I will have to plug away on my own.

Reading

I love to read. If I could, that would be all that I would do. I have recently discovered autobiographies and biographies. I am reading Pride and Prejudice again. I would rather read than do my homework. I would rather do anything than do my homework.

My tongue itches. I really feel like being random.

To be honest, I really don't feel like writing tonight. I don't want to do anything. I need to go to bed, and I don't even want to do that. I need to study for the test I am taking tomorrow. I am just blah.

Sleep

So, I have slept a lot in the last couple of days. I only got two hours of sleep Sunday morning and I was bushed at church. All I wanted to do was go home and sleep. When I got home I cooked lunch and ate it. Then I went up to Lisa's and watched Father of the Bride I and II. I only made it till the girl introduced her fiance to her parents and I was out. I woke up once when Frank was talking, but other wise I was out till half way through the Oscar's runway show. That was around five as near as I can tell. I slept for about two and a half hours. After a while I went home and stayed up for a few minutes and then fell asleep around 7:00. I then slept till 9:00, realized I missed ward prayer, rolled over and slept till 1:50. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom, turned off my desk lamp, said my prayers and went to sleep again till 6:30 this morning. I did the wake up and fall back asleep thing till my alarm went off at 8:00. Then I took a nap today for a couple of hours. So I have slept more in the last 24 hours than I have been awake. I am still tired and I am thinking about going to bed right now. I really think that something is wrong with me. I have no idea what, but I should not be sleeping this much.

I am really homesick. I really want to see my family, but there is no way I can do that without quiting school. I really don't know why I am so homesick right now. My family can't come see me, and I don't even know if they will be able to come up for my graduation because my Daddy hasn't been able to find a new job. On top of that he is sick. Mom is getting more and more worried. If they can't come, I will be able to go to Megan and Jeremy's wedding with no problem.

Muffins

Sometimes I ask myself, why am I such a show off? It is after 3:00 in the morning and I have to wake up at 6:00 so I can be to church by 7:15. I am up this late making muffins, fancy muffins. I made lime poppy seed and low fat blueberry. I am tired, but I feel happy because I made my muffins and hopefully people will eat them tomorrow.

On a totally unrelated note, I really want Red Robin. I so want a hamburger, I don't know what to do.

I had fun helping at the cannery today. We canned tomato sauce. It was messy and I ended up all wet. The sink that I was washing the dishes in was so deep that I had to stand on my tippy-toes to reach the bottom. I was laughing at myself the entire time. My job was to watch the cans as they filled to make sure they were filled properly. The sauce was hot and I hated when it splashed on me. Everyone was talking about how they wouldn't eat tomato sauce for a long time, but I was not phased by all the tomato sauce. If I had spaghetti sauce, I would have spaghetti for lunch tomorrow.

Well I am finished with my muffins, so I am going to go to sleep now.

Schooling and Other Stuff

I am happy this week because I finally caught up on most of my homework. I still have stuff I need to do, but I am feeling better, and not quite as overwhelmed as I have for the last couple of weeks.

I am feeling very lonely. Mom and Dad were so close today, yet they were oh so far. They were 7 hours away, which is still pretty far, but they were closer than they have been in a year. I know I saw them in January, but it was so short. I really want my mommy. I wish she were here. I know that I will see them in April, but that is so far away, and I want to see them now.

Language

I have often wondered where we would be if everyone used the same words to describe what we mean. We have several words in the English language that mean roughly the same thing, but at the same time are just different enough to cause confusing. Not to mention that individually we adapt different definitions to different words. For instance, I do nor classify a crush as the same thing as being interested. If I am interested that means that there is a potential for me to have a crush, but that I don't get all giggly about him. Once I start getting giggly about him then I have a crush. However there are some people that think that crushing and having interest are the same thing. Oh well, one day we will all understand each other.

My weekend of homework has not turned out as well as I hoped it would. I still have a little time and I hope to finish at least my article summaries. I am almost halfway done. I just wish I could focus. It is interesting that right now I can sit here in Lisa's room and ignore the television when I can't do that at home. I think I just want company. I don't necessarily want to talk, I just want to have someone with me. Lisa is actually sleeping right now, and I just am sitting here because I don't want to be alone.

I am tires so I am going to go do my homework. I also am having problems thinking of what I want to write. Cheese.

This Week in Retrospect

Since I have gotten back into the habit of writing a little something everyday, I feel flustered that I haven't written something since Monday. I don't think that I think as clearly because I haven't emptied my head of all the thoughts I have had this week.

Tuesday and Wednesday I wallowed in my own self pity. I didn't feel good. Lately, I have felt very cut off from everyone. I can't explain it. My mom has been sleeping a lot this week so I haven't really had anyone to spill my guts to and to get caught up on what is happening with the family. It is hard when my best friend is in another state and has her own life. By Wednesday evening I was feeling much better.

Thursday was awesome. I worked on homework all day, it wasn't the best way to spend Valentine's Day, but I did get a lot accomplished. That night was great. My date was Jared Kwak, who is 18. He is really nice an I had an enjoyable time. The Pi is not as good as I expected. It was better than a fast food pizza joint, but it was not worth the hour and a half wait that we had. We went to Ryan Mendenhall's friend's house Marcello. He is a really nice guy, and to be honest, there is a little interest in him. We listened to a talk by Jeffrey R Holland and then played truth or dare. I got a kiss on the cheek from Marcello, and I would like to say that I had an interest in him before his lips ever came into contact with my cheek. I need to email Ryan and ask him about Marcello.

Jarom also had his wisdom teeth pulled on Thursday. He had two extra molars, but they were only able to get one of them out, so he had five teeth pulled instead of four. He is puffy under the eyes from all of the digging that they had to do. He is really tired, but he doesn't like sitting and doing nothing so he and my dad have walked around the Temple grounds together and gone and to the Temple to do Baptisms for the Dead. I am so glad that my daddy and Jarom have been getting along better.

Friday was busy, but I was able to handle it. I went to school and had my meetings, then I went home and took a nap. I was lonely last night. Everyone left me. I wasn't in the mood to be alone so I went and tagged along with Lisa and Steven. They are so cute. I am glad that she has found someone to love her. Sadly, I stayed up till after seven this morning reading. I don't know why, I was tired, but I wasn't even sleepy till around three. I have finished four books this week. I might finish another before the end of the three day weekend.