Thinking...

I have had a few days to reflect about my move back to Arizona, and I am pensive. There are so many things that I would like to do, and there are so many options open to me. I really just want to get married and have a family. I don't really want a career, I wan t a husband and little kids to call me mom. It is what I have wanted all along. Sure my bachelors is nice and I am sure is will come in handy, but my education has always been a side goal.

Watching my parents together is an honor. I know that they love each other and I want to one day have what they have together. It just hurts sometimes. The one thing that I want is out of my reach and I don't understand why. My heart aches when I see happy couples. My worry with this yearning in my heart is that I will settle just so I can get what I want. I don't want to end up in a divorce. I see what a poor marriage can do to woman and that isn't what I want. I know that making a marriage work is hard and that being a parent is even more difficult (in fact I am petrified at the thought of raising children).

I am hesitant to write all of my feelings down like this because I know that some will be able to read this, and they might interpret my musings as desperate, but that isn't the case. I am sure I could find someone to marry me just because, but I have no desire to have a relationship like that. Settling doesn't get me where my parents are, or where my Grandma and Grandpa Burrell are, and where Jason and Velika are.