This year, I am struggling with finding my Christmas Spirit. I have gratitude and love for a loving Father in Heaven that sent His beloved Son to a world that would not love and honor Him. I am grateful that that Son chose to be my Savior. That He willingly atoned for my sins. That He willingly bore my grief and pain. That I have not been alone this year. I cannot adequately express my love and appreciation for my Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ for all that they have done for me, this year especially.
However, I have no desire to set up my Christmas Tree. I don't want any presents. I haven't bought any presents. The things that I want, I can't have right now.
Christmas was Jarom's favorite time of year. His eyes would sparkle. He would get excited for Santa to come visit. He usually did not sleep a lot Christmas Eve night and would be up at 5:00 a.m. waiting to open presents. A couple of years it was just him and I sitting in the front room with the Christmas Tree lights glowing, presents piled under the tree, and the house was still. We would just sit there waiting, talking. I can never do that with him again and it kills me. I will never be able to lay under the tree with him and look up at the lights. I am not doubting that I will see him again. I know I will. The pain of missing him right now though, is awful.
Five months to the day after I lost Jarom, I lost my father-in-law. He was diagnosed with cancer at the end of June and went down his quickly. It has been very difficult watching Austin go through his grief. He does not have the same sure knowledge that I have, I know he worries that he will never see his dad again. We both miss him. It makes it hard that Christmas was one Gary's favorite times of year. He loved having his family all together. He cherished it. It will be hard spending Christmas Eve at his home without him there.
Perhaps the most difficult thing I have been struggling with has been what might have been. I miscarried in June. I didn't know I was pregnant. If my calculations were correct though, I would have been welcoming a baby right now, instead of sitting at my desk at work. My arms ache to hold a child of my own. Having to deal with all my other emotions right now on top of the fact that I don't get to bring a little child home for Christmas is what pierces my heart the most.
I feel like I am complaining and being ungrateful. Please know that I am very aware of my many blessing. I know that my family will be together again. All the family members and dear friends I have lost this year are not gone from me forever. I have felt them near, especially as I have attended the temple. I would not have made it through this year without the ability to go to the temple frequently. It is truly the place where heaven and earth meet. I have wonderful friends that have let me be antisocial, moody and sometimes an out right unpleasant person to be around, and they still love me and let me know that I am appreciated. I have a good job and wonderful employers that have been more than understanding this year. Austin has a job that supports us, and his employers have been very accommodating with all the time off and flexibility Austin has needed this year. I have a roof over my head, vehicles to drive, food to eat. I have been blessed beyond measure. I know that "it will all work out." I know that we can have joy and peace in times of trial. I have felt it. I know that enduring to the end, just doesn't mean enduring. We can have joy. We can have light. We just have to turn towards that source of everlasting light. We will be provided for in our hours of need.
