Lalala, lalala, lalalalalaaaaaaa, cheese

I am such a slacker. I don't want to go to school tomorrow, but I have to. I don't want to do my homework either.

My head hurts and I should be in bed. Something is up with me and I don't know what it is.

Easter

Today in sacrament meeting I had a very enlightening moment. Every year all my Dad says he wants for Christmas and his birthday is for his children to grow in righteousness and stay close to the Gospel. I have gotten use to this request and I sometimes joke around with him about it. I know he is serious, but I am not quite up to his spiritual level, so I still want things for my birthday and Christmas. Today though, I understood my Dad's desire. As I sat during the talks, my mind was called upon to reflect the desires of my heart. As I sat, I knew all I wanted was to spend eternity with my family.

Jarom wrote a poem. It is a really good poem, and I decided to help him out and submitted it to the New Era. I was really surprised when Jarom sent the poem to me, I didn't know he was the poetry writing type.

The Old Olive Tree

In an ancient land in garden sacred

I stand an old olive tree

I was the one with the Lord

That night when His friends slumbered and slept

When He asked Father to remove that cup, but not My will but Thine, be done

I comforted Him in His darkest hour and greatest need

When He did that great act it was at the base of me an olive tree

When that perfect man took on all mankind’s sin

The great drops of blood that fell, fell upon me an unworthy olive tree

I cried for Him wanting to do more

Weeping when they betrayed and carried Him away

Sobbing when I heard He had died on the cross on Calvary

O but what joy to see His risen face and hear His voice

So here I stand an old olive tree

To testify to all, of the selfless act that happened in Gethsemane

This poem has been the cause of much of the reflection that I have been having the past couple of days. What Christ suffered, I have no idea. I just know the pain and heart ache I felt watching my brothers struggle with their challenges. I have felt the distance when I have withdrawn from the Spirit. The pain and sorrow of having the companionship of the Spirit entirely withdraw from me would be unbearable. Yet, what exceedingly great joy I have felt upon the return of the lost sheep to the fold. How my heart has been filled with gladness when I have repented. I can only image that that is in a small part how we all felt when our Lord and Savior conquered death. I need to do better, for I am slipping and I yearn to be close. I want to feel the light within again. I think I am going to make it. Not on my own, by any means, but with some Heavenly help, I will make it back.

My Addiction

I have come to the conclusion that I am addicted to books. On Saturday I went out and bought 11 new books. I have a serious problem. Today, instead of doing homework, I read. I finished one book that I was less than half of the way through and then read the sequel in its entirety. I wonder if they have a book readers anonymous. I can't wait till I graduate and then I can read whatever I want and not feel like I am slacking in my work.

A Long Time

So I finally have the inclination to write, and I feel bad because it is not upbeat, in fact it is a lot of complaining. I am sad and frustrated. All I want is for someone to hold me close and say that they love me. I want my mom to come up and be with me. My heart aches for attention right now. I can't really explain it right now. I feel so unloved and unneeded. I know that that isn't true, but I am having problems convincing my heart that that is the case. My heart and head aren't communicating very well. I feel lonely. I really want to cry on someone's shoulder, but I feel so disconnected form everyone. I have a feeling that most of these feelings are hormones, but it doesn't help that I know that it will happen again next month, and the month after that, and the month after that, ect. This is not a good situation. I stayed in bed this morning because I had no desire to get up.

I want to read a good book, but I don't have any good books that I haven't read recently. I will probably go to Deseret Book tomorrow and pick one up. There are several that I would like to read.

Cuando

I have so much I want to write, yet nothing to say at the same time. It is hard when I get like this. This is so lame.

Acne

Um...I hate that I still get acne. I know I really don't have anything to complain about, but once a month I breakout like a pubescent teenager.

CES Broadcast

I love Sister Beck! She gave the most awesome CES fireside. I can't say ever, because there are too many that I adore to say that, but it was really good. I was going to write my notes, but I am getting tire and I have to wake up tomorrow morning. She spoke as though everyone was her niece or nephew. She gave four main points:
1. Serving
2. Share the Gospel
3. Participate in Temple and Family History Work
4. Prepare for your Futures
They were all geared towards finding that eternal companion, but done in an inviting way. I will admit that I was leery when she started talking marriage, but she took a different approach and I appreciate that. It wasn't the same old thing and I want to try harder in all those areas so I can make a difference in my life as well as others. Her approach was to first improve yourself and then work on finding the companion. It was amazing.

I had a strange prompting today during Sunday School. I felt that I needed to move back to Arizona. I don't really know why. It wasn't something that I was fasting for, but it came. I want to make sure so I am not telling anyone really. I would like to ponder and pray more. I haven't really wanted to move back, so I am taking this feeling very seriously. In one of my many prayers since this prompting came, I told Heavenly Father there had better be a man in Arizona for me if I move back. I am actually at peace with the thought of going to ASU for my masters, if they will take me. I have rejected them twice, so I will have to see. I have never had that feeling before either.

Grandma Burrell came home from the hospital today. She is very tired, but alright otherwise. The doctors aren't sure what happened. She doesn't remember anything that happened on Friday. She remembers getting picked up by Uncle Burt, driving to his house and then crossing over Southern, but she remembers nothing after that till she was at the hospital. I am afraid I might lose my grandparents very soon. I want them always to be there, but I know that I will have to be separated form them for a time.