Enlightening Class

Have you ever had one of those days when you are overwhelmed with how far you have to go to get to the Celestial Kingdom? I had one of those days today. I t is actually kind of depressing. I know I am not perfect and I have a ways to go, but I like to think that I am doing okay. On day s like today though, I feel so unworthy. I look back on my life and see all the things I have done wrong and I am overwhelmed with all the changes I must make. I have a love/hate relationship with enlightening days like today.

I am also frustrated. I have been doing so well not thinking about men, and lately my will is breaking. I want get married, not for the sake of getting married, but I need to concentrate on my school work. There are several men flitting through my mind and if I thought I stood a chance with them, I would pursue them. I feel so inferior to the men sometimes. I know I shouldn't, but the fact remains that I do. Sometimes I wish that someone would set-up dates for me so that I wouldn't feel too awkward. Oh, well I will have to plug away on my own.

Reading

I love to read. If I could, that would be all that I would do. I have recently discovered autobiographies and biographies. I am reading Pride and Prejudice again. I would rather read than do my homework. I would rather do anything than do my homework.

My tongue itches. I really feel like being random.

To be honest, I really don't feel like writing tonight. I don't want to do anything. I need to go to bed, and I don't even want to do that. I need to study for the test I am taking tomorrow. I am just blah.

Sleep

So, I have slept a lot in the last couple of days. I only got two hours of sleep Sunday morning and I was bushed at church. All I wanted to do was go home and sleep. When I got home I cooked lunch and ate it. Then I went up to Lisa's and watched Father of the Bride I and II. I only made it till the girl introduced her fiance to her parents and I was out. I woke up once when Frank was talking, but other wise I was out till half way through the Oscar's runway show. That was around five as near as I can tell. I slept for about two and a half hours. After a while I went home and stayed up for a few minutes and then fell asleep around 7:00. I then slept till 9:00, realized I missed ward prayer, rolled over and slept till 1:50. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom, turned off my desk lamp, said my prayers and went to sleep again till 6:30 this morning. I did the wake up and fall back asleep thing till my alarm went off at 8:00. Then I took a nap today for a couple of hours. So I have slept more in the last 24 hours than I have been awake. I am still tired and I am thinking about going to bed right now. I really think that something is wrong with me. I have no idea what, but I should not be sleeping this much.

I am really homesick. I really want to see my family, but there is no way I can do that without quiting school. I really don't know why I am so homesick right now. My family can't come see me, and I don't even know if they will be able to come up for my graduation because my Daddy hasn't been able to find a new job. On top of that he is sick. Mom is getting more and more worried. If they can't come, I will be able to go to Megan and Jeremy's wedding with no problem.

Muffins

Sometimes I ask myself, why am I such a show off? It is after 3:00 in the morning and I have to wake up at 6:00 so I can be to church by 7:15. I am up this late making muffins, fancy muffins. I made lime poppy seed and low fat blueberry. I am tired, but I feel happy because I made my muffins and hopefully people will eat them tomorrow.

On a totally unrelated note, I really want Red Robin. I so want a hamburger, I don't know what to do.

I had fun helping at the cannery today. We canned tomato sauce. It was messy and I ended up all wet. The sink that I was washing the dishes in was so deep that I had to stand on my tippy-toes to reach the bottom. I was laughing at myself the entire time. My job was to watch the cans as they filled to make sure they were filled properly. The sauce was hot and I hated when it splashed on me. Everyone was talking about how they wouldn't eat tomato sauce for a long time, but I was not phased by all the tomato sauce. If I had spaghetti sauce, I would have spaghetti for lunch tomorrow.

Well I am finished with my muffins, so I am going to go to sleep now.

Schooling and Other Stuff

I am happy this week because I finally caught up on most of my homework. I still have stuff I need to do, but I am feeling better, and not quite as overwhelmed as I have for the last couple of weeks.

I am feeling very lonely. Mom and Dad were so close today, yet they were oh so far. They were 7 hours away, which is still pretty far, but they were closer than they have been in a year. I know I saw them in January, but it was so short. I really want my mommy. I wish she were here. I know that I will see them in April, but that is so far away, and I want to see them now.

Language

I have often wondered where we would be if everyone used the same words to describe what we mean. We have several words in the English language that mean roughly the same thing, but at the same time are just different enough to cause confusing. Not to mention that individually we adapt different definitions to different words. For instance, I do nor classify a crush as the same thing as being interested. If I am interested that means that there is a potential for me to have a crush, but that I don't get all giggly about him. Once I start getting giggly about him then I have a crush. However there are some people that think that crushing and having interest are the same thing. Oh well, one day we will all understand each other.

My weekend of homework has not turned out as well as I hoped it would. I still have a little time and I hope to finish at least my article summaries. I am almost halfway done. I just wish I could focus. It is interesting that right now I can sit here in Lisa's room and ignore the television when I can't do that at home. I think I just want company. I don't necessarily want to talk, I just want to have someone with me. Lisa is actually sleeping right now, and I just am sitting here because I don't want to be alone.

I am tires so I am going to go do my homework. I also am having problems thinking of what I want to write. Cheese.

This Week in Retrospect

Since I have gotten back into the habit of writing a little something everyday, I feel flustered that I haven't written something since Monday. I don't think that I think as clearly because I haven't emptied my head of all the thoughts I have had this week.

Tuesday and Wednesday I wallowed in my own self pity. I didn't feel good. Lately, I have felt very cut off from everyone. I can't explain it. My mom has been sleeping a lot this week so I haven't really had anyone to spill my guts to and to get caught up on what is happening with the family. It is hard when my best friend is in another state and has her own life. By Wednesday evening I was feeling much better.

Thursday was awesome. I worked on homework all day, it wasn't the best way to spend Valentine's Day, but I did get a lot accomplished. That night was great. My date was Jared Kwak, who is 18. He is really nice an I had an enjoyable time. The Pi is not as good as I expected. It was better than a fast food pizza joint, but it was not worth the hour and a half wait that we had. We went to Ryan Mendenhall's friend's house Marcello. He is a really nice guy, and to be honest, there is a little interest in him. We listened to a talk by Jeffrey R Holland and then played truth or dare. I got a kiss on the cheek from Marcello, and I would like to say that I had an interest in him before his lips ever came into contact with my cheek. I need to email Ryan and ask him about Marcello.

Jarom also had his wisdom teeth pulled on Thursday. He had two extra molars, but they were only able to get one of them out, so he had five teeth pulled instead of four. He is puffy under the eyes from all of the digging that they had to do. He is really tired, but he doesn't like sitting and doing nothing so he and my dad have walked around the Temple grounds together and gone and to the Temple to do Baptisms for the Dead. I am so glad that my daddy and Jarom have been getting along better.

Friday was busy, but I was able to handle it. I went to school and had my meetings, then I went home and took a nap. I was lonely last night. Everyone left me. I wasn't in the mood to be alone so I went and tagged along with Lisa and Steven. They are so cute. I am glad that she has found someone to love her. Sadly, I stayed up till after seven this morning reading. I don't know why, I was tired, but I wasn't even sleepy till around three. I have finished four books this week. I might finish another before the end of the three day weekend.

Frustration

I am so frustrated. I had just started feeling better, I mean, I was still tired, but I was even getting over that too, now I am sick again. My throat is sore, I have a nasty, gunky, cough, and I am tired all over again.

What makes me feel even worse is I was just getting rededicated to school and now I want to sleep all day again. I was going to make my best effort to get caught up as much as possible this week, but I don't know if that is going to happen. All I want to do is cry right now, but I know that that will not solve anything, it will just make my nose stuffier and my chest more congested.

I feel so lame. When will I ever get better?!?!?!?!

No Thoughts

I would like to say that I have something profound to say today, but I don't. Sacrament was good, Sunday School was alright, and Relief Society was interesting. I guess I am just frustrated because there is drama in the ward and I can't fix it. I see how hard Bishop McGarr tries to get us to think of each other as a family, and with people treating others like objects it kind of makes all the work get put on hold or back tracked. I hate people fighting and I want to share the things that I have learned lately to help, but I don't think that I would be received very well. I guess I just feel sorrow, hopefully it is the right kind.

I suppose I should put a disclaimer here. I am not perfect. I have plenty of things that I need to work on too.

Leadership

There was a worldwide leadership training meeting today. It was absolutely amazing. I totally wish that I could empress upon people how wonderful the leaders of our church are. I know quite a few people who didn't go. It kind of makes me sad because they could have caught the spirit of Bishop's request. There were several things that were discussed that although were presented in a family context could be expanded and applied to the ward workings. I can't get over how well the leaders of the Church know the needs of their flock. There is no other way that they could know everything that I needed to hear without a Divine influence.

I am tired, so I will be quick. I just need to say that President Monson is the man for the job at this time. When he got up to speak I felt this wonderful outpouring of love for him the Spirit testified that he is the Prophet. I never doubted that he was a prophet, but I questioned if he could fill the shoes left to him by President Hinckley. I now know that he can and will. I love him and support him.

I feel great contentment at this time. I have much to do and I am very far behind, but I can do it. I need to start again, but I will get the help I need if I do my part of the bargain.

Overwhelming

Have you ever had one of those days when you have a major "aha" moment. One in a day can be pretty overwhelming, but two, that is way beyond overwhelming. The first one came this morning on the bus to school. I was texting Jarom and he told me I needed to concentrate on classes, not graduation. There is a very subtle difference there that I had not been paying attention to. I am really grateful that I have younger brothers, some of the best moments of realization for me have come through their hands. What I love even more, is that I have good relationships with them. If that were not the case, I wouldn't be able to take the advise that they give me. Not that I always do, and sometimes I take offense, but for the most part I feel that I can be called out by them, and I appreciate it in the end.

My second "aha" moment came during Moral Foundations. Dr Olsen read a letter written by a woman who had been in an abusive relationship. She married a man and then he became abusive. He cut her off from her family, was cruel, and manipulative. After 2 years and a baby girl, she finally got the courage to leave him. He would go to her parent's house and try to convince her to come back to him. He would try to manipulate her and get her back. She had problems with staying away and thought constantly about going back to him. One day when he came by he was different. He didn't try to persuade her to come back. He was gentle and kind. He asked about their life insurance and even had her read a line about suicide from it. She knew that he was going to go home and commit suicide. When she said good-bye that day she never thought she would see him again and she was happy. She would be free from his pressure and abuse. He would never bug her again. She was supremely angry and full of hatred the next day when he showed up at her door. He told her that he had been planning to kill himself that night, but in a twist of fate the electricity went out so he could not finish his suicide letter, and he could not leave without that finished. She was furious, she started going off on him, she knew the words to say that would drive him to attempt suicide again. As she was about to say those words, she stopped, and asked herself, what kind of person am I that I would want someone to die? Could she live with herself knowing that she drove another human being to suicide? She put her arm around him and in that moment, she saw his humanity. She did not see him as the abuser or the annoying pain in her life that would never go away. She saw him, for lack of a better way of putting it, as Christ sees him. She wept with him, she felt his pain. From that moment on she was never tempted to go back to him. She did not make excuses for him, because there really is no excuse for his treatment of her, but she did feel for him. She had empathy for him. Her bitter, angry feelings toward him were gone. She still felt pain and sadness at the entire situation, but she left the inhumane world behind.

After hearing this story, I thought of the people in my life that I was hard towards. Uncle David, Uncle Pat, my cousin Nate, and my Grandma Lupher. I am not perfect, and I am far from seeing them as Christ would see them, but don't they deserve to have my love too? Aren't they entitled to my pity, not self righteous pity, but that sorrow for another's suffering pity. Am I any better than they are if I refuse to forgive them? I want to say yes but the answer is no. With this new knowledge comes a responsibility to forgive them. I know that it will take time, but I want to forgive them. I want to see them, and all people as Christ would see them. It is a tall order of myself, but I know that I am not alone. I have help, Heavenly help.

Seminar & Lecture

Tonight I went to a career seminar and a lecture. Both of them were very interesting.

I went to the government intelligence session and decided that it would be cool to apply to the FBI or NSA. I might do that, just cause. They both sound like interesting career choices.

The lecture was equally good, in fact, better. Dr. Christian Smith was so interesting and engaging. It makes me wish that I could combine my current research with his research. It isn't possible, but it would be cool to compare religious families to non-religious families. It was so wonderful.

I went to the lecture 45 minutes early because I wanted to be sure to get a good seat. I went into the auditorium and left my stuff in my seat so I could go to the foyer to talk to my mom (Mom, Dad, and Jarom went down to Mesa) to see if they made it alright. Dr. Olsen said that President Hinckley went to the lectures when he was alive because the chair is named after Sister Hinckley. I told my mom this and mentioned that it would be cool if President Monson came in honor of President Hinckley, not thinking that it would really happen. I then went to the bathroom. When I went to go sit down there were two gentlemen standing by my chair so I couldn't sit down. I waited off to the side because I didn't want to disturb them. When they moved away a lady walked up to them and said, "Hello, Elder Scott." I immediately started freaking out. Richard G. Scott was standing 4 feet away from me and I didn't even know it. I took a couple of very obvious pictures, called my mom again to tell her what happened, and then sat down to listen to the lecture. There were a bunch of people there: Sister Hinckley's siblings, Sister Tanner and Sister Dalton of the Young Women's Presidency, the General Young Men's Presidency, a couple of the members of the Seventy, and all of the Hinckley's children but one (I think it was Elder Richard Hinckley of the Seventy, they would have announced his presence as a member of the Seventy). Towards the end I realized that Sister Hinckley's siblings were two rows back and across the aisle form me. After the lecture I went up to thank Dr. Smith and shake his hand. Someone came up and stood next to me, I looked over and it was Elder Scott. I was standing next to Richard G. Scott! I started freaking out again. I kept wanting to stare at him, but I resisted the urge. I shook hands with Dr. Smith and turned to leave. Elder Scott was standing nearby so I went up to say high. My voice cracked when I said hello and told him I was excited that he was there. He said that he was excited to be there. I then turned to leave and have still not calmed all the way down. I naturally called my mom when I was able to talk without squeaking.

I found out in that conversation that the steering wheel that Kenyon designed made it through the first round of cuts. He worked so hard on that. I hope he wins. I am so happy for him.

Sleepy

I would really like to know why I am tired all the time. Monday, I slept from 1:30 to 6:00, then I went to bed at 1:00 am and slept till 10:00 am on Tuesday morning. I felt relatively rested all day Tuesday. I went to bed last night around 12:30, I woke up at 4:00, tossed and turned till almost 5:00, then slept till my alarm went off at 7:45. I could not concentrate today. I was so tired. I came home from school and slept for two hours. It is only 11:00 pm now and I desperately want to go to sleep, but I have to work on homework. It is lame I tell you.

On a happier note, I came home from the SLFSA meeting and found out that one of my roommates (who shall remain nameless) may be getting lucky tonight. She has wanted to make out for a long time and she might get her wish. It is funny though because this pretty much was a booty call and both of them are a little awkward. I think it is so funny. I will have to see what happened tomorrow.

Bull

So last night at Family Home Evening, we played the story game. Apparently I found out that I am really good at BS'ing. I told a long story based off of my flight from Chicago to Phoenix that I barfed on the seat in front of me. It was great. So if anyone needs a good yarn teller, I am available.

Decisions

I have been struggling lately. I know that the Church is true, there is no doubt in my mind. I have just been lacking in the desire to go to church. I know I feel better when I go to church. I feel good when I fulfill my calling. I just don't want to go to church. I know that it is no excuse, but I feel a little burned out. I would love the opportunity to go to church at the regular time and not have to write the weekly announcements on the board. So pretty much, I am experiencing cognitive dissonance over church, which I don't like. I want to be out of this rut.

My other problem is that I see people around me getting the thing that I most desire. I am genuinely happy for them in their relationships. I wish them the best. I just want something like that to happen for me. I want to be in a relationship. I want to get married and have a family. I want the struggles and trials that come with marriage and family. Even through the struggles and trials I know that I will find my greatest happiness and joy. I feel guilty for being jealous of them, and I know that there are others who desire marriage more than I do. I suppose I am just frustrated because I "feel" like it is coming very soon, but I have been feeling like that for a year now and nothing has come to fruition. I suppose I just want to know.

P.S.~ The Giants beat the Patriots 17-14, thus blocking the Pats from having the perfect season. I went to Mike's Super Bowl Party and had really good food. I am still full.

President Hinckley's Funeral

I remember when President Benson and President Hunter died. I was not in the state of Utah when they happened though. That probably explains why I think that it is so weird for the funeral to be broadcast on a news station and have it disrupt regularly scheduled programing. I also thought that it was weird for the coverage to start an hour before the funeral and for it to continue till a half hour after the graveside service.

Despite all of these things going through my head, I really did enjoy the words that were spoken. President Hinckley was a great man. I am still having a hard time believing that he won't be at April's General Conference. I have very happy for him though. He is with his beloved wife.

I love haw the Church leaders that spoke tied a little doctrine into their messages. It was most comforting. President Monson will have large shoes to fill, but he will fill them and fill them well. I am sure that he must be feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders right now. He will leave his own mark on the Presidency of the Church. He is a good man too and I look forward to his Presidency.

Suit

I fell asleep last night without taking the time to update my blog. It is regrettable, but it can be made up. That is what I am doing right now.

I bought my first suit today. It is so cute and I can't wait for an interview to wear it to. It is a black skirt suit and the jacket has white piping around the outside and pocket flaps. It is so cute. I also have a rock awesome shirt to wear under the jacket. I might be getting a brown pant pants suit, but that entirely depends on whether or not I can find the pants that goes with the jacket. I have the perfect shoes to wear with the brown suit, but I will have to buy some black shoes to go with the black suit. I really do want to have an interview now, or go to some convention and look all professional. One day.