Casper the friendly ghost...I mean town

So, I have decided to move to Casper, Wyoming. My parents are moving there and I feel that I need to move there with them. This should be interesting.

Tropical Temple

I took this over Thanksgiving weekend. I am quite proud of it. If truth be told, this picture was an accident. I was on the back side of the temple and was trying to get a picture of the hibiscus, I had already taken and deleted 3 pictures because they were fuzzy. People were coming and I was leaning over the bush so I snapped this picture, saved it, and then left for home. I didn't realize it looked so cool (in my opinion) until I was at my grandparent's house showing the pictures to my mom.

A note to self...

Use a large bowl when allowing your dough to rise.

So a few weeks ago, I made cinnamon rolls. It was probably closer to a month or more ago, but I digress. This is what happened. Oh wait for it, it gets better...

My Christmas Present

My brother and sister-in-law came up last night to stay with us before the funeral. They brought our Christmas presents with them. Whatever I am getting involves a basket. I love the basket. I want the basket, but alas, I must wait like everyone else till Christmas morning to play with my basket.

Caramels and Family

I have made three batches of caramels today. I have to make one more tomorrow so I will have all of them made for my Grandma Burrell. I will be seeing her at Aunt Louise's funeral and thought I would save some gas and money by binging them with me. I had to reheat one of my batches because I didn't cook it long enough. I really home it turns out all right. If not I will feel really bad and probably won't give them to her. I am a firm believer that you shouldn't give out things that are not quality. My Grandma asked me to make the caramels so the quality is really important because it reflects on her more than me.

My Aunt's funeral is tomorrow. I am sad, but I am happy that I will get to see my cousins. I have't seen some of them in ages. I am even more excited that I get to see my nephew later today. My brother and sister-in-law are coming up here and then heading over to Benson. Jeffrey is so adorable. I love the little tike. The sad thing is a funeral is bringing my family together. We got together for my Grandma's birthday, but I think more people are going to be coming for the funeral than for the birthday party. What is even more sad is I am willing to bet that this isn't going to be the only funeral that I have to go to for the next year.

Aunt Louise

So, I found out today that my aunt is very close to passing away. It makes me sad. She has had cancer for a while now, so her passing would bring her suffering and pain to an end, but that doesn't make it any easier for her family. I wish I could see her one more time before she dies, but I don't think that that is going to happen and my cousins should be there.

Yellow -livered-sap-sucker

So, aside from being incredibly cold right now, I suddenly became too chicken to call one of my guy friends. All I want to do is invite him to an activity to night, and I find myself tongue-tied at the thought.

Why poets get the girls

A friend of mine has been posting a poem a day in his facebook notes. This was the one from yesterday, and all I gotta say is if someone wrote something like this to me, I would totally tap that action.

Love Sonnet 17
by Pablo Neruda
100 Love Sonnets

I do not love you as if you were a salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where *I* does not exist, nor *you*,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Yep, I am pretty much in love with this poem. Don't worry, I like other poetry too, but this is the first poem I have read in a while that made my little heart go pitter-patter.

Dates

I have a date tomorrow. Yipee, yahoo! (Insert dancing here).

My dog gets cold

So my dog thinks that she has to sleep on my bed at night. She is a small dog and that shouldn't be a problem, right? Wrong. She is the biggest bed hog, then if I decide I am uncomfortable and need to move, she has the nerve to growl at me (I have a twin bed). It is actually much worse sleeping with my mom's dog too, which only happens when my parents are out of town and I am sleeping in their bed (a queen). You would think that I have more room, but the dogs can't sleep on the same side of the bed, so I get pinned in. I pretty much have to sleep in the same position all night. They aren't big dogs, infact they are considered small. But I digress from the original reason I started this note.

My parents (me too for that matter) believe in waiting as long as possible before turning on the heater. It makes for cold nights and mornings, but that is what we have blankets for. My furry little beast thinks that she needs to sleep under the covers at night. I don't like it. She has this bad habit of licking and leaves huge wet spots which are disgusting and cold to put your foot on in the middle of the night. So my glowing eyed friend gets to sleep on the top curled up next to me, until I can take her pathetic look no longer and let her come under the covers, which usually isn't until the morning after I come back upstairs from family prayer. Does that mean that I am going to give into my children if they give me puppy dog eyes and a quivering chin long enough?

I am thinking of a number...

So, I was rudely awaken at 9:30 this morning, from the most glorious dream to get read to drive home. I got up and ready for the day only to sit and wait until 6:30 to start home. I am not complaining about it. My Dad got a call from work and was working on a router, pretty much all day. I am thankful that my Dad has a job and so I didn't mind waiting all day to go home, I do mind that I was woke up from my dream (I was snuggling with a cute boy *sigh*). I would have liked to get home sooner because then I would have been able to call said cute boy and invite him over to watch a movie. I think I will do that tomorrow.

I am just grateful that my family was able to get home safely. I am grateful that my Daddy has a job. I am grateful that I was able to watch Muppet Christmas Carol. I get to go to church tomorrow too. I got to go to the Temple yesterday, it was so amazing.

Contenplations on Gratitude

So really, I do have a lot to be grateful for, but I am having problems being grateful. I have no idea why, but I am. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, a kind loving family, I have been getting along with my younger brother (which was something I was worried about before I moved back home), yet all I can think about is everything that I am lacking in my life right now that I want. I think that it is really selfish of me not to be grateful [insert tantrum here].

So I have been trying to get myself to be more grateful, but it isn't working. I honestly have been trying to count my blessings, but then Ol' Scratch will kindly point out all the things that I want, but don't have, like a job, I better running vehicle, or a family of my own. In some areas of my life, I just feel like a complete failure. I know I am not, but why do I feel like I am?

Driving Lesson Part Duex

So I can now drive a manual transmission. I even drove my truck up to put gas in it. I learned in Austin's truck, which is BEAUTIFUL. So I am still trying to get use to my truck. I thought about giving him a kiss on the cheek as a thank you, but that didn't happen. He was a little awkward with the hug gave him instead (he is a little awkward around girls to begin with), so I am glad the kiss didn't work out. I plan on driving my truck to church tomorrow. I am a little nervous about backing out, because I haven't mastered catching the clutch, or whatever it is called. The only thing that I am not excited about on my truck is that the speedometer is broken, I have no way of knowing how fast I am going. Perhaps I will ask Austin to take a look at that...

Dishes

I do dishes at least twice a week, if not more frequently, but I am the only one who cleans the rest of the kitchen. My Mom is excluded from this gripe because she does clean it when she can, but the rest of my family seems to think that if the dish isn't in the sink, it doesn't need to be washed. They also have no idea how to wipe off the counter, which makes it nasty by the time it is my turn to do dishes again.

On the up side, for some reason, I like loading the dishwasher. I think I like the challenge of getting the most dishes in while they all get clean. I have become pretty good at this. Go figure, I am not so good at packing a car or truck for traveling.

Diving Lesson

I am so EXCITED! I get to learn to drive stick this weekend. I have a new (to me) truck that is manual and a cute boy is going to teach me to drive it. I can't wait. The only thing that would make the weekend better was if said cute boy showed up at the dance tomorrow night and asked me to dance. Yep, that would make my weekend just about perfect.

What do I do...

...when I think I like a guy, but I am afraid it is for the wrong reasons? Can that be any more veuge? I have been pondering over this all weekend, and I have come up with no solutions. This is all very annoying, but I suppose if I want advice I should explain.

I have a friend here in Thatcher, we shall call him Frank. I knew Frank when I lived in Thatcher before I moved up to Provo. He is a great guy, so great in fact that my Dad has commented, to me personally, on how highly he thinks of Frank (my Dad never, NEVER, said anything so complimentary about any of my other guy friend or boyfriends). Frank has asked me out a couple of times, and I always enjoy myself. We tend to sit in his truck (which is beautiful, *sigh*) after our dates and talk for at least an hour, if not more. None the less, I think the main reason I like him is because I am sure I can convince him that I am the girl of his dreams (I am fairly confident that he likes me at this point, just not enough to give up his bachelorhood).

I have convinced someone before that I was the girl of their dreams, knowing full well that I could never marry them. However, with Frank, I have no such knowledge, but I really don't want to hurt his feeling. See, he is a convert and it was my cousin up here that helped convert him. Well this cousin then turned around and dropped him. Now Frank, being awesome, forgave said cousin and is still friends, but dating engages a different part of the heart. Since Frank is technically friends with the whole family, if we dated and then broke it off, it could get awkward for everyone (even the extended family here). Is wooing Frank worth all the "what ifs"?

The Slow Road to Communism

I figured I would write this post before my freedom of speech is taken from me (and no, I am not kidding). As I was contemplating who to vote for this morning, I had to think of the two prominate canidates views. Both of them believe in very socilistic things, which is well and good if you think the government should do everything for you, but I don't. So if I pick either of these people, I am sending the American people on a slow boat to communism, which is what socialism is (trust me on this one, in fact socialism is a synonym for communism). I suppose I should be happy that they aren't touting communism in it's entirety or even Nazism (which is the fast track to communism).

My question is when has communism ever been a good idea? The only people that benefit from communism are the people in charge, who were never any good to begin with. If the law of consecration is in the Lord's plan, then communism is in Satan's plan. I don't want to pay for poor people who won't work. I don't want to pay for everyone's health care. I don't think it is right that the working class has to foot the bill for everything. If you don't believe me, why is the middle-class disappearing? America is famous for it's middle-class. That is why people are so anxious to come to America. It use to be the land of opportunity and now it is turning into every other country with the incredibly wealthy and the poor with a large gap in between (which is getting wider every day).

I have one request to make in all of this. If you are going to leave a comment, please be considerate. I have no qualms about deleting a comment with foul language or that is rude to anyone. I don't care who you voted for, I don't want to know.

Finally!

So I finally go around to take a picture of my Grandma's Shower head. Yes, that is me about shower so I look appalling. I am standing flat footed and the ground angles towards the center of the shower. I always came out of the shower limber from all of the stretching I did to wash my face and hair.

It Feels Like Today

So, I have been on this kick of using movie quotes and song titles for the titles of my posts. Oddly enough, I have used or thought all of them in the past days. Am I watching too many movies? I don't really listen to anything, except Christmas music the past couple of days. Maybe a just have a problem with remembering useless information. I think I will go with that one.

Behind These Hazel [Blue] Eyes

I ask myself time and again, why I keep trying. I have been to many interviews, I do what I am suppose to, and still nobody wants me. I know I shouldn't take it so personally, but I do. I feel like because they don't want me, there is something wrong with me. None of my interviews have been total distasters. In fact, in a few of them, I have felt very confident, but still no one ever calls me back and the most I get is a "thanks, but no thanks" letter. I am getting to the point where I don't want to try any more because I feel like I am a loser.

I know the last couple of posts have been really big downers and I am sorry. I am just having a tough time right now and nothing I am doing is helping.

Sad to be all alone in the world...

I never relealized how lonely it can be in a family. My Mom is out of town and it is just my Dad and younger brother Kenyon home right now. They are here, but I still feel alone. My Dad spends most of the time in his office messing around on the computer (lately it has been to put music on his computer) and Kenyon only communicates if it is about something he is interested in. So I sit around and bottle up all my thoughts and emotions until I let them all out by crying.

That leaves me with a lot of empty time and I am so tired of it. I want to do something during the day. I want to be able to go out with friends and have fun. I want to be able to ask guys out, bit things just aren't working out how I planned them. I was suppose to get a job and a place of my own and live it up as a single woman. I don't feel comfortable with anybody at the moment. I feel like a mooch and that really bugs me.

Oh, He's Just Full of Applesauce...

So today I started making applesauce. I didn't feel like bottling it so I will have to do that tomorrow. I also have two apple pies to make. I am not enthused about this. I have to do everything by myself. It gets lonely in the kitchen. I would take pictures, but I don't know where the camera is and I am by myself so that makes it difficult as well.

I did discover that mashing the cooked apples makes weird sucking noises and pouring the applesauce sounds nasty as well. If you want further details, I will let you know.

Realization

I have come to the realization that I must get a grunt job. I am not excited, but I need a job. There are two job fairs in Phoenix that I am going to this week and then I am heading back to Thatcher because that is the only place I can live and have a grunt job. I will be able to save money, I hope. Papa John's, Home Depot, Thriftee, or (cringe) Wal-Mart here I come.

On the Hunt

So I am down in Mesa this week hunting for jobs. I have put my resume out to a bunch of places and I can't say that I like this. I hate the wait and I hate the anxiety that I feel. I want a job, but I am so tired of being told no or thank, but no thanks. I have had that happen twice already in this particular hunt. Why can't someone just say, "here, take this job, be happy."

All this free time is really annoying. I want to be doing things. I don't want people to think that they need to supply me with things to do. I can entertain myself, but watching movies and even reading are getting old.

8 Things

8 TV Shows I Watch
1. Good Eats
2. Psych
3. Burn Notice (I am trying to give this one up)
4. Office
5. Monk
6. Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives
7. John and Kate Plus 8
8. Pushing Daisies (I just discovered that this show was still in production, I love it!)
(I don't have cable or satalite, so these are the shows I use to watch and watch when I get the chance)

8 Places I Love to Eat
1. My Mom's kitchen
2. Kneaders
3. Red Robin (Yum)
4. Spinato's (The BEST Pizza ever)
5. Organ Stop Pizza ( I love being serenaded while I eat)
6. Wendy's
7. Golden Gate
8. Filiberto's

8 Things That Happened Yesterday
1. I watched conference (it was amazing)
2. I ate raspberries
3. I spent time with my buddies Emily and Heather
4. I went to bed at 10 o'clock
5. I pondered what to do with myself
6. I baby sat my Mom
7. Walked around the Temple grounds
8. Jammed out to my church music as I drove around

8 Things I look forward to
1. Getting a job
2. Night Fall in Old Tucson
3. Getting my own place
4. Getting a car/truck
5. Having a family of my own
6. Being able to by more books
7. Moving in with Heather
8. Jenelle coming home from her mission

8 Loves of Fall
1. Leaves changing color
2. Cool weather
3. My birthday
4. Halloween
5. The smell of fall
6. Following football
7. Wearing sweaters
8. Playing in leaves

8 Wishes
1. My Mom to get better
2. Get a job
3. Be able to afford a truck
4. Get to know a certain someone
5. A room for all the book I own and want to own
6. Get my Masters and Doctorate
7. More nephews and nieces
8. My parent's house to get fixed

8 Tags
I really don't have other people to tag, so whoever wants to do it.

Quirks

So I was tagged by Dana, but I am not going to tag anyone else because I would have to tag the same people I tagged last time and that is a little lame.

1. I have to sleep with the closet doors closed. I had a bad experience as a child and ever since I have been afraid of the dark and open closets at night. I can sleep with them open, but I don't sleep very well.

2. I like putting my feet under people when they are sitting next to me and then wiggle my toes. Part of the reason is to get my toes comfortable and the other part is I think it is fun.

3. I have a thing for balding, red-headed men. If you want an explanation, check out my previous post.

4. If I am angry, I like to clean. About the only time when I was growing up that I would clean my room by my own free will (albeit late at night when I should have been sleeping) was when I was mad about something.

5. I hate unloading the dishwasher. I find it very soothing to load it, but I hate taking everything out and putting it away. Really there is no reason for me to feel this way, but I do. When I figure it out. I will let you know.

Red Hair and Baldness

So, I am not very picky about appearances when it comes to guys. I have a thins about teeth that is very weird, but other than that, I don't really care what the guy looks like, except for two things: red hair and baldness.

I have always wanted a red headed little girl with blue eyes. Since I don't have any read hair genes, I have to marry someone who does, so a long time ago, I became attracted to red heads. I have no other explanation than that. As I think back to the boys/men I have been attracted to, there are more red heads in the bunch than any other hair color.

The baldness thing is relatively new. I find men with bald spots incredibly attractive. If they are bald enough to Bic their heads that is all the better. I really don't know why I have this sudden fascination with balding men, but I do. If I see a guy with a shaved head, I take a second look.

So pretty much I if you combine the two traits, I would be in heaven. The unfortunate truth is that there are so few that this profile. Don't get me wrong, I find many other men attractive, but a girl can dream can't she?

While the Cat's Away...

My parents are out of town and it is just my brother (Kenyon) and me at home. It would be fun if I had stuff to do, but I don't. Oh yeah, I am suppose to pull weeds, yip-ee (said in a flat monotone, sarcastic way). I suppose I could try and teach myself to drive Jarom's truck. I know the basics of driving a manual, but I never mastered the concept and I hear that his truck is a little finicky. The problem with that is that it is almost out of gas and I have no way to fill it up.

My Dad wants to have a talk with me tomorrow. I am not excited. I have been trying to take care of the house, but I guess that is not enough. I have to do everything, including get a job or he will throw me out (probably, he gets demanding when Mom isn't here). The thing is, that I get so caught up planning meals, going grocery shopping, having dinner on the table before 6:00, cleaning up, that I really don't feel like looking for a job. I don't enjoy spending most of my days inside, in fact I hate it. The highlight of most of my days is when I go walk to the mailbox and get the mail (it is up the street and around the corner).

I have a list of places that I will give my resume to tomorrow. That is, is I remember to ask Kenyon if I can borrow his vehicle.

♪ Dream, Dream, Dream, Dream ♪

So this morning I had a weird dream that my Dad bought me a 3 bedroom 2 bath house for Christmas in Utah (it was a huge house and really nice). I called Amber, Katie, and Josie to see if they wanted to live in my house with me. Josie had moved to Idaho so she didn't want to move back to Utah. For some reason, Katie and Amber were halfway done with moving to Ogden, but I could tell that they wanted to. So I went about trying to find out where my house was located. I don't even remember where I came up with in my dream, but it was northern Utah. It had a pasture for horses and my brother Kenyon bought me four. They were really pretty. That is where my dream got really weird and complicated, so I don't remember much else, other than the government was chasing Kenyon and me.

My Dog...

Well, last week my Dad was out of town so I was sleeping downstairs with my Mom. My Mom looked over the side of her bed and saw this:

We both decided that Jacey laid an egg and we had to document this occasion.

Family Sadness

I have had this sick uneasy feeling since yesterday. This evening I found out the source of my feeling. My dear sweet sister-in-law miscarried today. There is profound sadness in my heart. My brother and sister have had this sorrow before. I didn't even find out that she was pregnant till today, the day she lost the baby (this is not unusual because of their past experiences). I want to get these feelings out so I don't have to have them alone, but I can't even write. I want to cry for them.

Tell Me About Your Mother...

So, Katie tagged me. Let’s see how well this goes.

Favorite person outside of family: I have more than just one, there is Heather Cowley, Lisa Heinrichs, Jenelle Cowley, Emily Pitts, and my roommates: Amber Shimp, Katie Grandon (I have wanted to say your entire name for about a day), and Josie Plowman

Guilty Pleasure: Staying up till the wee hours of the morning reading, I do it way too often.

Quirks about me: I take forever in the bathroom getting ready. I don't sleep well unless the closet doors are closed.

How would the person who loves you the most describe you in 10 words: Sparkling, kind, generous, caring, beautiful, sensitive, stylish, loving, charitable, stubborn (I asked my mom, so she is a little biased).

Any regrets in life: I have said some things to people that I wish I hadn’t. I was mean and I have regretted it ever since it happened, and I will never have the chance to apologize.

Favorite charity/cause: I once helped with the Jerry Lewis telethon, but that really wasn’t my favorite. I would like to start my own, but I don’t know if that will ever happen. I like the idea of Make A Wish.

Favorite blog recently: Six LDS Writers and a Frog

Worst job I ever had: Calling insurance companies and asking if people were still covered by their company so that my company could do the billing. It was lame and my boss was rude. I will never, never, buy anything from Costume Craze because of the way they run their company. They are Nazis.

Favorite Bible Verse: Proverbs 3:5-6 has always been a goodie.

Got any confessions: Not really, I have a pretty boring life.

If you HAD to spend $1000 on yourself, how would you spend it? Sadly, I would probably put half of it towards my debt, the other half I would spend on books, My library has been feeling neglected lately.

Favorite thing about your house: The dog door, I don’t have to open the door every fifteen minutes for my dog.

Least favorite thing about your house: The upstairs bathroom, I never shower up there even though my room is right next door. The shower floor feels like it is going to cave in and who wants to fall through the floor naked?

One thing you are good at: Reading. I can read a book depending on how interested I am in it and the number of pages, in less than a day.

One thing you could change about your circumstances: I wish with all my heart that I had a job.

Who would you like to meet someday? Thomas S Monson, Obert Skye, and a bunch of other authors.

Who is your real life hero: My mom. How she keeps going with all her set backs is amazing to me.

What is the hardest part about your job? Job, what job? I have a job? When were you going to tell me?

When are you most relaxed? Right before I fall asleep with my dog snoring next to me.

When are you most stressed? When I am all alone and the dogs are barking for no reason, it makes me paranoid.

What can you not live without? Chocolate. My family. Good friends. Books. Laughter.

Why do you blog? It originally started as a journal, but then I started writing in my journal again and so now it is just a recording of random thoughts.

Who are you tagging? Well since most of my friend have been tagged, Shayla, Charlo, Erin, Lisa, Stacey, and Molly. I’m two short, so shoot me.

Rules:
1. Answer the questions
2. Link back to whoever tagged you
3. Tag eight bloggers to do the same

Mud Bowl

So I went to the annual Thatcher Stake Mud Bowl tonight. It was okay. I didn't really know anyone and I really need a standing buddy to be comfortable. I ended up walking around the mud pit most of the night. I usually don't like getting dirty so throwing mud clods was fun. I did have to rinse my hands in the water after I threw a mud ball though. The end was kind of fun. My brother Kenyon and a few of his friends and I all donned "war paint" and got our pictures taken (I hope they get posted on facebook and I can steal them and post them here). We all had mud stripes down our foreheads to the tips of our noses, it was a requirement to be part of the "tribe".

The mud was a good consistency. It had been soaking since yesterday so the dirt was nice and wet. I don't like throwing mud that is on the dry side, it can hurt. When people started to show up they said it was more like a lake than a mud pit. In all honesty it was, the water went from my ankle to a little below my knee, and the mud ate my foot. If I stood in one place too long, I would get stuck.

The night ended by getting sprayed off by a firetruck. That can really get the mud off in a hurry. I suppose I should thank the Thatcher FD for letting us borrow their tanker truck tonight. The water was warm so it was nice after being cold from the mud.

Texting

So I had to get rid of texting on my phone because I could't pay for it. I am missing it a bunch today because I have had to wait and I used to text people when I was waiting at the bank or store or where ever. Then I was at the Safford PD and the officer helping us was hairy, the part that I could see (his hands, they had hair on them up two knuckles), and I wanted to text Amber that I had an Amber Alert for her, but I couldn't because I don't have texting. I was so sad.

The officer was slightly attractive. He had really nice eyes. The funny thing was I found him attractive because he was balding. For some reason, I like that.

Sorry

So I wasn't able to get pictures of my grandparent's shower. I am saddened, but I will go back down eventually and may be able to get the picture then. I know all you are so sad about missing the short shower head picture, but alas, I must apologize.

Pondering

As I sit here and think of my day, my friends, and everything else, and I wonder if I am doing what I am suppose to be doing. I know I can do things better, and I have been working on them. I may not have done the Apple Pie Challenge exactly, but because of it I have been better at reading the Book of Mormon everyday. I have been better at many things because of it. Am I living where I am suppose to be living to give me the experiences that will help me grow the most? Am I living where Heavenly Father wants me to live, or am I just copping out and mooching off my parents? I know I was suppose to move back to Arizona, but I would have like to been given a little more direction than that. There is a lot of land in the state and I just want to know if I am occupying the right piece of dirt. I am frustrated because I will present a plan in prayer and get no answer as to whether it is right or not.

I have also been thinking about my Mom a lot today. I know prayer works and I know that Heavenly Father's will will be done in all things. I have just been wondering if it is my prayers that are keeping her here. What if she is needed on the other side and because I am selfish and want my Mom, she is stuck here in a mortal frame filled with pain. The next thought is very hard for me to think. Can I let her go. Can I honestly say that if Heavenly Father needs her, that that is what I want too. Lest anyone think that my mom is going to die, she is in good health. The question still is, if she were called home, could I let her go without feeling bitter, angry, and resentful. I don't know the answer to that. I know the church is true and the Plan of Salvation is true. I know that I will see her again and all of that. She has been my best friend and confidant that I don't know that I could deal with life without her. I have trusted in God so many times before, why can't I trust Him in this. Why can't I trust Him that He knows what is best for me, my Mom, and family and not me? After all, He has never let me down in the past. I have been lifted and supported, protected and guided, when I have not deserved it.

Yet as I sit here typing all this out, a peace fills my heart that is not me. It tells me that yeah, I could do it. I can do anything, if I but have the faith to do His will. The shadowed path in front of me may not be the easiest one to trod, but I haven't fallen off yet. I suppose I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and let The Lord guide my footsteps.

Birthday

Lest I forget, today is my Mom's birthday. She has been the support and strength to my family and I am glad that we have been friends. Love you Mom!

Missing People

Today has been a pretty good day. Church was good. The firesides I went to tonight were amazing. President Kartchner is a pretty amazing man. I enjoyed his talk to the women. He reminded us that we are good people. He quoted a story out of a book by Carlfred Broderick called Uses of Adversity. The basis of the quote was the Gospel is not an insurance policy against bad things happening to us, it is a plan to help us through those times. I wish Mom could have been there, but she is needed in Mesa for more than just a funeral, but more on that later.

The other fireside I went to was by the artist of Reflections of Christ, Mark Mabry. His pictures are amazing. Here is the link to the slide show of the photos. I am so happy that I got to go . His message was amazing and I wish everyone could see the exhibit. If you want to see the website, go here. I totally recommend it.

My sister-in-law Velika went camping this weekend and came back with scabies. It is very contagious so it turned out to be a good thing that Mom and Dad are staying in Mesa. They are watching Jeffrey. It is sad, but good.I am now wondering if they will stay after the funeral. I suppose that will depend on how Velika is doing on Wednesday.

Delighting in Shortness

So as most people know, I am short. I tend to be on the short side with all of my friend, and for the most part I am just peachy about it. For some reason, I can get through crowds better, so I come in handy for that. However, as much as I revel in my shortness, I never thought I would want to be shorter. It happened today.

I was staying at my Grandpa and Grandma Turley's house and I had to shower. My mom was in the bathroom finishing getting ready while I was pulling out my shower stuff. She casually mentioned that the shower head was on the short side, so I looked in the shower. It looked a bit short but I thought, "Mom is 5' 1 1/2'', how bad could it be?" She then informed me that she had to bend over to finish rinsing her hair. When I got in, the shower head came up to my nose. If I looked straight ahead, My eyes were level with where the shower head came out of the wall. It turns out I accomplished two things this morning: I showered and worked out. I was all limber from the bending and leaning I had to do to wash my face and hair.

I might get pictures to document the shortness of this shower head. As I was showering it occurred to me that it would be really awkward for my Grandpa Turley to shower, he is at least 6' and might be taller. I wish Katie or Amber were here so that I could get a picture of them standing next to the short shower head. It would be funny.

Wedding

Lisa and Steven's wedding was wonderful. They are so cute! I am so happy for them and I am glad that I had the opportunity to share the day with them.

Strange Things

I was watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and saw that James Fox was in it. I wanted to know if it was the same James Fox as the one in Thoroughly Modern Millie and it is. He plays Mr. Salt. It is so weird. I want to tell someone, but my mom is up on Mt Graham somewhere and has no cell phone service. She would be interested, but alas, I have no way of contacting her. It is so weird seeing Jimmy as an old man. He's not really old, he is just older I suppose.

I finished Breaking Dawn and I liked it except for this strange desire for Leah, one of the wolves who belongs to Jacob's pack, to imprint on someone. I was a little disappointed that she was left alone at the end of the book. I know she isn't a main character, but I identified with her and so I was sad to she that she was alone. I did not find this book as captivating as the others in the Twilight series. It dragged in places, but I was very satisfied with the way the book and characters turned out.

I PASSED!!!!!!!

That is pretty much it. I actually have a Bachelors of Science in Marriage, Family, and Human Development. That's it.

I HATE Being a Girl

So I am up in Utah for Lisa and Steve's wedding. Without going into detail, the title of this post says it all. I think my body is retarded.

On a different note, I need to think of something to say at Lisa and Steven's ring ceremony. I an a bit nervous because everyone's attention will be in me and it is something that Lisa and Steven and everyone else will remember from that day. I am also nervous that I am going to cry and look like a retard. It's true. I have time so I need to get it done before Friday.

I am way excited for the wedding though. I am excited about the flowers and dresses, everything. I hope I can tag along tomorrow when they go to see the decorations. It should be good. I want Lisa's day to be awesome, I hope everything goes well on Friday.

100 Things About Me...Continued

As I was thinking of things to write about me, I came up with some dreams that I had as a child. Some were reoccurring dreams and the others are just random dreams that I had. I just wonder why the dreams I remember are so weird.

Dream 1: This one is a reoccurring dream, In this dream I am Dorthy and the Wicked Witch of the West is chasing me. I run into this room that has a bunch of furniture in it. I hide behind an opened back chair with a wicker seat. Sometimes the witch can see me and other times she can't. I have my basket and Toto with me. I think Toto has barked a couple of times and that attracts the witch's gaze if I am hidden behind the chair.

Dream 2: Another reoccurring dream. I am walking around the corner of the house I grew up in. Sometimes I still live there and I am trying to go home, other times I am walking away to where I live now (in the dream). As I get to the side gate (the backyard had a trailer gate off the street) two big Dobermans come out of the ally and growl and snap at me. I have never been attacked in the dream because I wake up, but I always have the feeling that if I had stayed asleep, I would have died.

Dream 3: This dream is once in a lifetime weird. In the backyard of the house I grew up in, I had a play house in the far corner and a storage shed along the back fence. My house had a back covered porch with a wall around it. There was one doorway in. I start in the play house and I have to get to my house. I run to the shed because something is chasing me, but it can't get inside buildings. When I open the shed door I find the Ghost Busters, the cartoon guys only in the flesh, complete with Slimer, only he is more cartoonish. I explain my problem and they let me go through the shed because the opposite door of the shed is closer to the opening to the porch. I run across the yard and make it to the sliding glass door. I walk in and run to my parent's room to tell them all the horrible things that happened to me. I crawl in their bed and lay between them. While I am hugging them, they turn into zombieish monsters. Then I wake up.

Dream 4: Luckily I only had this dream once, I was so scared after this dream. I was in the house I grew up in and I had this cool talking dog, his name was D.O.G. that I wanted to get inside because it was going to rain. I tried everything, but he wanted to stay outside to the very last moment. So I started closing the door and counting down from 10, when I got to 1 the door would be closed. As I said two he jumped over the wall of the porch and ran for the door. I was closing the very last crack as I said one and just at the last second D.O.G. got his muzzle in the door and I closed the door and it and it came right off. As a sat on the floor with D.O.G.'s muzzle in my hand and stroking his head, I woke up. I was seriously crying.

Those are a few of the dreams that I remember from my childhood. They were really weird the first time, but on further refection I have to wonder what I was thinking about to cause such strange dreams.

Finished! Again

I just finished my last make up assignment. Now all I have to do is wait and see if Dr. Porter will give the points I need to graduate. I just hope and pray that this turns out like I want it too.

100 Things About Me

I saw this on a friend's blog so I thought I would try it, I might have to think about this for a while.

100. I am the only girl in my family (aside from my mom thank goodness)
99. I am the first college graduate on my mom's side (Bachelors)
98. I like old movies
97. I love musicals, it has been way too long since I have seen one live
96. I wanted to be a veterinarian (since I was in the 3rd grade) until my freshman year in college and my best friend who also wanted to be a veterinarian in the 3rd grade changed her mind several times and is now in vet school
95. I love saying cheese at the end of conversations thanks to a youtube video and a really good friend
94. Once when I was little, I didn't eat for three days because I wasn't hungry. I then threw up strait bile one night and was hungry in the morning
93. Bunny vipers can attack at any moment, you have to be on the look out. If you see little Bunny Foo-Foo, you could be in danger
92. My dog's name is Jacey Lynn
91. I love Promised Land Dairy chocolate milk, but they don't sell it in Arizona or Utah
90. In lieu of Promise Land Dairy chocolate milk I like Silk chocolate milk, it has to be Silk
89. I am still afraid of the dark, it's true
88. I want to live on a ranch and have horses
87. I love learning about what makes families tick
86. When I was baptized, I was ready before my dad so I played at the podium at the back of th room
85. I use to tell myself stories to get to sleep
84. In one of my stories I was pregnant so I stuffed a soccer ball up my shirt and fell asleep like that
83. If I ever became a millionaire, I would build a trampoline room with padded walls to play in in my house
82. I would also have a room that was all mirrors
81. I love to sing in the shower
80. When walking around the grocery store if they are playing a song I know, I sing along
79. One of my favorite sounds is my dog snoring, she is very loud
78. I was a total tomboy when I was younger, except for the frilly Sunday dresses
77. When I was a little girl, I was getting dressed for church and I pulled out my favorite dress and it had a cockroach on it, hence I loath cockroaches
76. I was born in Humble, Texas; so I came from humble beginnings
75. I was the last girl in my ward to get the old Young Women's Award
74. I often have several books I am reading at once
73. Depending on length and interest, I can finish multiple books in one day
72. I have more books than I know what to do with, and I plan on getting more
71. I didn't have to pay full price for my dog because my brother's friend put shaving cream on our car and ruined the finish
70. I survive BYU single, hallelujah!
69. I have been a bride's maid twice, almost
68. I am short and I revel in it
67. I like going on road trips, it depresses me that gas prices are so high
66. If at all possible, I love to sleep in
65. I am a night owl, I prefer to stay up late
64. My mom is my very best friend in the world, I tell here pretty much everything
63. Sometimes I dance instead of walk, it is so much fun
62. I have always wanted to go cupping, but haven't had the opportunity yet
61. I like to write poetry, but I am not very good
60. My best known poem is about gas
59. I look exactly like my Great-Grandma Martineau
58. I often wish I could fly
57. Swings are my favorite thing to play on at the park
56. I love playing tag at malls because you can't really run
55. I use to live in Illinois
54. I have always been a Westwood Warrior, even in my youth
53. I had mono and I didn't even get to kiss anybody to get it
52. That's right ladies and gentlemen, I am still VL
51. I like stealing people's cameras and taking pictures
50. I was very shy till I was in my 20's
49. I love Vancouver, British Colombia, Canada
48. My favorite hamburger place to eat is Red Robin, yum
47. I sprained my ankle falling from a rope swing
46. I have been to the Grand Canyon twice
45. The longest I have ever lived in a house was 9 years
44. The shortest I have lived in a house was 8 months
43. I have had my own room since I was 9 years old (except for a couple of months when I shared with my cousin
42. If I have a full or bigger bed, I like to sleep in the very middle
41. My favorite movie when I was younger was The Little Mermaid, when I was upset I would sing Ariel's song
40. I once was so mad at my mom that I was going to lock myself in the bathroom and never come out. I moved all my toys in and made the bathtub my bed. My older brother got caught passing food through the crack in the door and I had to move out of the bathroom
39. My brothers once thought it would be really funny if they locked me in the outdoor laundry room. I was trapped for about 45 minutes till my mom came home and got me out
38. I hate when my hands get dirty. Feeling dirt between my fingers makes me cringe
37. I could never get veneers on my teeth. I get grossed out teeth are misshapen or drilled
36. I desperately want braces and plan on getting them after I have insurance
35. When I get stressed I can't sleep and I have been known to go several days with only a few hours of sleep
34. I have always wanted red hair, I have no idea why
33. Even though I am more English, I claim Ireland as my ancestral home
32. I am still friends with my elementary school best friend, even though we haven't seen each other for 13 years
31. I use to play the viola and I kinda want to again
30. I love stain glass, darn my expensive hobbies
29. I use to have a horrible temper. I got tire of apologizing for hurting people's feelings so I learned to control it
28. I can throw pots on a wheel
27. I want to name my first daughter Savanah Rose
26. I want my first son to be named Robert Kent
25. One of my nicknames growing up was Hawaiian for woman
24. I have been called by all three of my brother's names
23. I have seen all the boys in my immediate family in a dress
22. My favorite family history stories are in a book called Don't Let the Truth Get in the Way of a Good Story
21. I am a truck girl, I want one so bad
20. My first car's name was Kricket because she made a chirping noise ever since I bought her
19. I often wish I lived back when girls wore fancy dresses all the time, provided that I was one of the rich girls that got to wear them
18. I have a thing for crinoline dresses
17. I like to hang out with tall people, honestly all my good friends are at least 3 inches taller than me
16. I love to cook, I want to open a restaurant with my family, who also like to cook
15. I am good at making up stories about myself that aren't true
14. I was so yellow when I was born that my parents called me the Yellow Rose of Texas
13. My mom stayed in the hospital the longest with me even though I had siblings that were in the hospital longer than I was
12. I always wanted a sister so sometimes I would put my youngest brother in a dress and call him Jessica, but I didn't put a rag on his head
11. I almost lit my house on fire with the help of my older brother
10. My older brother and I use to get in my mom's spice cabinet and mix potions for my younger brother, he always drank them
9. I was an officer in the FFA
8. I place in the top 10 all three years on my judging team in the FFA
7. I took best of show for biscuit at the county fair when I was 9 years old
6. I am really vein and have been know to stare at myself in the mirror for hours (okay maybe not that long, but still)
5. I hate being the break upper, I would rather be the break uppie
4. I love to dance and sometimes I will dance to the music in my head
3. I hate unloading the dishwasher, I would rather load it
2. I am not ticklish unless it is a boy, and even then sometimes I can control myself, unless I think he is cute and then I am a goner
1. I have weird toes, I know of only two other people that have toes like mine (I live in Arizona so I have seen a lot of feet) and I am related to them. Everyone that has seen my toes says they are short and stubby and I have to agree

That was much harder than I thought. Cheese.

Flying Pigs

So my mom has two humming bird feeders out front which she has to refill on a daily basis, if not more frequently. The cause of this is because my mom's humming bird food is really good. No one else we know (there are quite a few people around here that have humming bird feeders) have to fill their feeders up so often.

It was raining one Sunday and during a break all these birds came to eat what they could before the rain started again. They were a little leery of me at first, but hunger won out and they ate anyway. I took a ton of pictures, but it is hard holding a camera steady when humming birds are flying at you (they are incredibly territorial) and with lightning striking pretty close.

It is very rare to see humming birds perch when they eat (it happened twice while I was taking pictures and if I moved, they flew away). It was really cool to get close to the humming birds.

It also is pretty rare for more than one humming bird to feed at a time, again they are territorial. My mom's food is so good that there will be birds at almost every feed blossoms (10 total, 6 on one, 4 on the other) and there will be bird waiting "in line". It is really funny to see when a bird gets too close while waiting and they get chased away. They are silly little birds and I enjoy watching them.

Bugs

I have noticed as I have been on the computer at night that there a ton of tiny flying bugs in my house. I have killed at least three tonight, but that doesn't even begin to compare to some nights. They like to land on my screen and I squish them because I don't like it when they take off and fly in my face. It is nasty.

My dad has the same problem in the office (I am in the front room). His solution is to jump up and start clapping and banging the walls. The first time he did this I was a little confused. It was all quiet and then then he started clapping. I walked by the office and there he was turning around and clapping at bugs. I should have gotten a video.

Kettle Corn

I have a love affair with kettle corn. I stood for an hour in the rain waiting for it. I was soaked by the time I got to the front of the line. It was so worth it. I wish I had more.

Late Again

Here I am, up late again, and I am actually tired and want to go to sleep. I just wanted to take moment and say that it is difficult to type when you are laying on your stomach. Your arms don't have the movement that they would if you were sitting up. Yet this is how I am comfortable at the moment.

I am excited for tomorrow though. I get to leave the house. I have been inside all week and without a vehicle of my own, I can't go anywhere without asking first. I really need a job so I can get a car. Mom and I are making meal plans so we can go to the store. We are going to try healthy food, which I am chill with because we always tweak it to make it taste good.

I am worried about my stomach. I have felt like something is scraping my insides for the past couple of days. I haven't ever felt like this. I would tell my mom but she would freak out and I don't have any insurance so it doesn't matter anyway.

I just have to finish three more parts and then I will be done with a question and then I will go to sleep. I might work on my two other questions, it depends on how I am feeling in a few. I might be too tired to do anything.

Bad Friend?

I should be in bed, but my computer hasn't finished its virus check yet and it hasn't had one for a long time. I have this time, so I thought I would put links to other people's blog on my page so I wouldn't have to keep looking on facebook for all of them. I never realized how many of my friends have blogs. I was surprised. So here comes my question: does it make me a bad friend to not give out my blog address and read theirs. It is an interesting question. If I ever leave a comment on their post they would have my blog address, but then I can always be anonymous. It is something to ponder.

My Nephew

My nephew likes me! He still doesn't want to be alone with me, but he doesn't run away or ignore me. He just said my name, which almost brought tears to my eyes. What joy!

Thinking...

I have had a few days to reflect about my move back to Arizona, and I am pensive. There are so many things that I would like to do, and there are so many options open to me. I really just want to get married and have a family. I don't really want a career, I wan t a husband and little kids to call me mom. It is what I have wanted all along. Sure my bachelors is nice and I am sure is will come in handy, but my education has always been a side goal.

Watching my parents together is an honor. I know that they love each other and I want to one day have what they have together. It just hurts sometimes. The one thing that I want is out of my reach and I don't understand why. My heart aches when I see happy couples. My worry with this yearning in my heart is that I will settle just so I can get what I want. I don't want to end up in a divorce. I see what a poor marriage can do to woman and that isn't what I want. I know that making a marriage work is hard and that being a parent is even more difficult (in fact I am petrified at the thought of raising children).

I am hesitant to write all of my feelings down like this because I know that some will be able to read this, and they might interpret my musings as desperate, but that isn't the case. I am sure I could find someone to marry me just because, but I have no desire to have a relationship like that. Settling doesn't get me where my parents are, or where my Grandma and Grandpa Burrell are, and where Jason and Velika are.

Reflections

So I have sold my car, packed most of my house, and now I am very tired. I am actually thinking about going to sleep in a couple of hours. The only reason that I am on my computer is so I could check my email. The only thing that I need to pack is my bathroom. I just don't want to clean my bathroom which is why I haven't packed my bathroom.

Feelings

I am moving back to Arizona in a few days and all I want to do is cry. I know it is what I am suppose to be doing, but I can't help but feel sad. I have made so many wonderful friends while I have been here in Utah, and I am very afraid that I will never see them again, after Lisa's wedding of course. It is not like when I moved to Thatcher. My friends were three hours away and I would see them regularly, but Provo is 13 hours away, and that isn't something you can do over the weekend.

On top of those feelings, I feel like I am a failure for not getting my homework done. I know it is my fault, and I have no good reason to give for it not being done. I feel like I have let everyone down. I feel like I am letting my Bishopric down, Lisa and Steven down, my roommates down, my parents down, and my family down. I feel like no matter what choice I make, others will suffer the consequences of my actions.

What I want more than anything is to talk to Jenelle. I can hear her voice in my head, but it isn't the same. I want my best friend, aside from my Mom. That conversation is something that is going to have to wait till January though. I haven't been praying like I should lately, I think that is part of the problem. I need to talk to my Heavenly Father.

Sick

So I have been sick this past week and I think that it is really lame. I was just feeling better about my mono when I get this sore throat, stuffy nose, ear ache thing. Not to mention that on Tuesday I came as close to barfing as to actually dry heave, but not actually barf, I haven't felt like that since Christmas three years ago. I am not loving life at the moment.

To add on top of all that, I still am undecided about moving. I have been leaning towards yes, but I am afraid to tell my peeps. I really don't want to let them down. At the same time I really have been homesick and want nothing more than to go home. Why do I have such conflict in my heart?

I have spent the afternoon on my computer, I haven't been on it since Saturday night, and I enjoyed looking at what my friends have been up to. I really miss some of my friends down in Arizona. I was reading Stacey's blog and was laughing so hard I was coughing. It really cheered me up. I want a Stacey hug so bad, and to go cupping, something I have wanted to do since she talked about it in a talk many moons ago.

Conflicted

I have a problem, a big problem. I have the opportunity to move home at the end of June and I am terribly tempted to take it and the thing is, if I don't find a job I will have to take it because I can't continue to live on nothing. I felt I should stay longer than just graduation, and I did want to stay till Lisa's wedding, but again, the finances are a worry. I don't know what to do.

Long Time

I have been doing a bad job of writing on my blog. I feel bad because I really do want to write, and I have time, but I forget till when my computer is turned off. I have been in a weird mood lately. I want to be very juvenile, but I still want to be treated like an adult. I am so tired, and I have a headache.

I got to go to Ikea today. It was very fun and I will definitely go again. I found a bunch of things that I would like to decorate my house/apartment with.

Mono Checklist

So, as I have had fun with mono, I have discovered certain things. I am making a list for all those who would like to know all the fun you are missing out on by not having mono.

1. You get to sleep a ton
2. You have random sore throats that come and go
3. If you ruff house, your spleen could explode
4. Your stomach is perpetually upset
5. If you don't sleep enough, you get a headache
6. You get an excuse to turn homework in late
7. Your brain gets fuzzy from lack of sleep
8. If you try to do homework, you automatically fall asleep
9. Sometimes you are so tired, you can't sleep
10. You have flatulence that can clear a room in 2.5 seconds
11. You can't kiss people
12. You can pass it on to your enemies
13. You can randomly pass it on in the future without knowing it
14. You have a walking fever
15. If the doctors give you antibiotics you look like a leper

As a note to 12, I am very bummed because I didn't even get to kiss anyone to get the kissing disease, I just got it. What is the fun of having a kissing disease if you didn't get to kiss to get it. I do know, however that my grandma's canker sore medicine actually helps you to feel better. The sad thing is, I am in Arizona for the week and left my supply up in Provo.

Graduating

I am so happy! I took my last final today. I will be graduating on Thursday and Friday. I am so happy. I never thought this day would come. My roommates threw a surprise party for me tonight. It is a good thing I had to go back to my room because I might of cried out of gratitude. I think having mono has made me emotional. I think I have been tempted to cry more than ever this past week and there has been a reason for my emotion, just not that much.

I got my cap and gown today, my parents are coming up tomorrow, it is the beginning of the end of my time here in Provo. It is really strange to think that in four months I will be moving. I have so much to do. It is also a little sad for me. I will miss my friends very much.

The Reason Why

So, all semester long, I have been having problems. I have been tired, my stomach has hurt, and I have had an off and on fever and sore throat. I have felt so rotten, for so long, that I was just happy to know what the matter with me is. I almost started to cry when I found out that I have mono. I have started to drink Grandma's canker sore medicine because mono and canker sores are caused by the same virus, the epstein-bar virus. The stuff is on the nasty side, but if it will work to get me better, I will do it.

I am really tempted to write a letter to my teachers explaining that I have had mono since at least January and that due to the incompetence of the doctors at the BYU Student Health Center, I was not diagnosed properly until today.

I am so glad that this semester is over. I can't wait to go home, even if it isn't for very long and just rest. I am disappointed with my grades, but it is too late for that now. I just hope that my teachers will take pity on me.

Lalala, lalala, lalalalalaaaaaaa, cheese

I am such a slacker. I don't want to go to school tomorrow, but I have to. I don't want to do my homework either.

My head hurts and I should be in bed. Something is up with me and I don't know what it is.

Easter

Today in sacrament meeting I had a very enlightening moment. Every year all my Dad says he wants for Christmas and his birthday is for his children to grow in righteousness and stay close to the Gospel. I have gotten use to this request and I sometimes joke around with him about it. I know he is serious, but I am not quite up to his spiritual level, so I still want things for my birthday and Christmas. Today though, I understood my Dad's desire. As I sat during the talks, my mind was called upon to reflect the desires of my heart. As I sat, I knew all I wanted was to spend eternity with my family.

Jarom wrote a poem. It is a really good poem, and I decided to help him out and submitted it to the New Era. I was really surprised when Jarom sent the poem to me, I didn't know he was the poetry writing type.

The Old Olive Tree

In an ancient land in garden sacred

I stand an old olive tree

I was the one with the Lord

That night when His friends slumbered and slept

When He asked Father to remove that cup, but not My will but Thine, be done

I comforted Him in His darkest hour and greatest need

When He did that great act it was at the base of me an olive tree

When that perfect man took on all mankind’s sin

The great drops of blood that fell, fell upon me an unworthy olive tree

I cried for Him wanting to do more

Weeping when they betrayed and carried Him away

Sobbing when I heard He had died on the cross on Calvary

O but what joy to see His risen face and hear His voice

So here I stand an old olive tree

To testify to all, of the selfless act that happened in Gethsemane

This poem has been the cause of much of the reflection that I have been having the past couple of days. What Christ suffered, I have no idea. I just know the pain and heart ache I felt watching my brothers struggle with their challenges. I have felt the distance when I have withdrawn from the Spirit. The pain and sorrow of having the companionship of the Spirit entirely withdraw from me would be unbearable. Yet, what exceedingly great joy I have felt upon the return of the lost sheep to the fold. How my heart has been filled with gladness when I have repented. I can only image that that is in a small part how we all felt when our Lord and Savior conquered death. I need to do better, for I am slipping and I yearn to be close. I want to feel the light within again. I think I am going to make it. Not on my own, by any means, but with some Heavenly help, I will make it back.

My Addiction

I have come to the conclusion that I am addicted to books. On Saturday I went out and bought 11 new books. I have a serious problem. Today, instead of doing homework, I read. I finished one book that I was less than half of the way through and then read the sequel in its entirety. I wonder if they have a book readers anonymous. I can't wait till I graduate and then I can read whatever I want and not feel like I am slacking in my work.

A Long Time

So I finally have the inclination to write, and I feel bad because it is not upbeat, in fact it is a lot of complaining. I am sad and frustrated. All I want is for someone to hold me close and say that they love me. I want my mom to come up and be with me. My heart aches for attention right now. I can't really explain it right now. I feel so unloved and unneeded. I know that that isn't true, but I am having problems convincing my heart that that is the case. My heart and head aren't communicating very well. I feel lonely. I really want to cry on someone's shoulder, but I feel so disconnected form everyone. I have a feeling that most of these feelings are hormones, but it doesn't help that I know that it will happen again next month, and the month after that, and the month after that, ect. This is not a good situation. I stayed in bed this morning because I had no desire to get up.

I want to read a good book, but I don't have any good books that I haven't read recently. I will probably go to Deseret Book tomorrow and pick one up. There are several that I would like to read.

Cuando

I have so much I want to write, yet nothing to say at the same time. It is hard when I get like this. This is so lame.

Acne

Um...I hate that I still get acne. I know I really don't have anything to complain about, but once a month I breakout like a pubescent teenager.

CES Broadcast

I love Sister Beck! She gave the most awesome CES fireside. I can't say ever, because there are too many that I adore to say that, but it was really good. I was going to write my notes, but I am getting tire and I have to wake up tomorrow morning. She spoke as though everyone was her niece or nephew. She gave four main points:
1. Serving
2. Share the Gospel
3. Participate in Temple and Family History Work
4. Prepare for your Futures
They were all geared towards finding that eternal companion, but done in an inviting way. I will admit that I was leery when she started talking marriage, but she took a different approach and I appreciate that. It wasn't the same old thing and I want to try harder in all those areas so I can make a difference in my life as well as others. Her approach was to first improve yourself and then work on finding the companion. It was amazing.

I had a strange prompting today during Sunday School. I felt that I needed to move back to Arizona. I don't really know why. It wasn't something that I was fasting for, but it came. I want to make sure so I am not telling anyone really. I would like to ponder and pray more. I haven't really wanted to move back, so I am taking this feeling very seriously. In one of my many prayers since this prompting came, I told Heavenly Father there had better be a man in Arizona for me if I move back. I am actually at peace with the thought of going to ASU for my masters, if they will take me. I have rejected them twice, so I will have to see. I have never had that feeling before either.

Grandma Burrell came home from the hospital today. She is very tired, but alright otherwise. The doctors aren't sure what happened. She doesn't remember anything that happened on Friday. She remembers getting picked up by Uncle Burt, driving to his house and then crossing over Southern, but she remembers nothing after that till she was at the hospital. I am afraid I might lose my grandparents very soon. I want them always to be there, but I know that I will have to be separated form them for a time.

Enlightening Class

Have you ever had one of those days when you are overwhelmed with how far you have to go to get to the Celestial Kingdom? I had one of those days today. I t is actually kind of depressing. I know I am not perfect and I have a ways to go, but I like to think that I am doing okay. On day s like today though, I feel so unworthy. I look back on my life and see all the things I have done wrong and I am overwhelmed with all the changes I must make. I have a love/hate relationship with enlightening days like today.

I am also frustrated. I have been doing so well not thinking about men, and lately my will is breaking. I want get married, not for the sake of getting married, but I need to concentrate on my school work. There are several men flitting through my mind and if I thought I stood a chance with them, I would pursue them. I feel so inferior to the men sometimes. I know I shouldn't, but the fact remains that I do. Sometimes I wish that someone would set-up dates for me so that I wouldn't feel too awkward. Oh, well I will have to plug away on my own.

Reading

I love to read. If I could, that would be all that I would do. I have recently discovered autobiographies and biographies. I am reading Pride and Prejudice again. I would rather read than do my homework. I would rather do anything than do my homework.

My tongue itches. I really feel like being random.

To be honest, I really don't feel like writing tonight. I don't want to do anything. I need to go to bed, and I don't even want to do that. I need to study for the test I am taking tomorrow. I am just blah.

Sleep

So, I have slept a lot in the last couple of days. I only got two hours of sleep Sunday morning and I was bushed at church. All I wanted to do was go home and sleep. When I got home I cooked lunch and ate it. Then I went up to Lisa's and watched Father of the Bride I and II. I only made it till the girl introduced her fiance to her parents and I was out. I woke up once when Frank was talking, but other wise I was out till half way through the Oscar's runway show. That was around five as near as I can tell. I slept for about two and a half hours. After a while I went home and stayed up for a few minutes and then fell asleep around 7:00. I then slept till 9:00, realized I missed ward prayer, rolled over and slept till 1:50. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom, turned off my desk lamp, said my prayers and went to sleep again till 6:30 this morning. I did the wake up and fall back asleep thing till my alarm went off at 8:00. Then I took a nap today for a couple of hours. So I have slept more in the last 24 hours than I have been awake. I am still tired and I am thinking about going to bed right now. I really think that something is wrong with me. I have no idea what, but I should not be sleeping this much.

I am really homesick. I really want to see my family, but there is no way I can do that without quiting school. I really don't know why I am so homesick right now. My family can't come see me, and I don't even know if they will be able to come up for my graduation because my Daddy hasn't been able to find a new job. On top of that he is sick. Mom is getting more and more worried. If they can't come, I will be able to go to Megan and Jeremy's wedding with no problem.

Muffins

Sometimes I ask myself, why am I such a show off? It is after 3:00 in the morning and I have to wake up at 6:00 so I can be to church by 7:15. I am up this late making muffins, fancy muffins. I made lime poppy seed and low fat blueberry. I am tired, but I feel happy because I made my muffins and hopefully people will eat them tomorrow.

On a totally unrelated note, I really want Red Robin. I so want a hamburger, I don't know what to do.

I had fun helping at the cannery today. We canned tomato sauce. It was messy and I ended up all wet. The sink that I was washing the dishes in was so deep that I had to stand on my tippy-toes to reach the bottom. I was laughing at myself the entire time. My job was to watch the cans as they filled to make sure they were filled properly. The sauce was hot and I hated when it splashed on me. Everyone was talking about how they wouldn't eat tomato sauce for a long time, but I was not phased by all the tomato sauce. If I had spaghetti sauce, I would have spaghetti for lunch tomorrow.

Well I am finished with my muffins, so I am going to go to sleep now.

Schooling and Other Stuff

I am happy this week because I finally caught up on most of my homework. I still have stuff I need to do, but I am feeling better, and not quite as overwhelmed as I have for the last couple of weeks.

I am feeling very lonely. Mom and Dad were so close today, yet they were oh so far. They were 7 hours away, which is still pretty far, but they were closer than they have been in a year. I know I saw them in January, but it was so short. I really want my mommy. I wish she were here. I know that I will see them in April, but that is so far away, and I want to see them now.

Language

I have often wondered where we would be if everyone used the same words to describe what we mean. We have several words in the English language that mean roughly the same thing, but at the same time are just different enough to cause confusing. Not to mention that individually we adapt different definitions to different words. For instance, I do nor classify a crush as the same thing as being interested. If I am interested that means that there is a potential for me to have a crush, but that I don't get all giggly about him. Once I start getting giggly about him then I have a crush. However there are some people that think that crushing and having interest are the same thing. Oh well, one day we will all understand each other.

My weekend of homework has not turned out as well as I hoped it would. I still have a little time and I hope to finish at least my article summaries. I am almost halfway done. I just wish I could focus. It is interesting that right now I can sit here in Lisa's room and ignore the television when I can't do that at home. I think I just want company. I don't necessarily want to talk, I just want to have someone with me. Lisa is actually sleeping right now, and I just am sitting here because I don't want to be alone.

I am tires so I am going to go do my homework. I also am having problems thinking of what I want to write. Cheese.