As I sit here and think of my day, my friends, and everything else, and I wonder if I am doing what I am suppose to be doing. I know I can do things better, and I have been working on them. I may not have done the Apple Pie Challenge exactly, but because of it I have been better at reading the Book of Mormon everyday. I have been better at many things because of it. Am I living where I am suppose to be living to give me the experiences that will help me grow the most? Am I living where Heavenly Father wants me to live, or am I just copping out and mooching off my parents? I know I was suppose to move back to Arizona, but I would have like to been given a little more direction than that. There is a lot of land in the state and I just want to know if I am occupying the right piece of dirt. I am frustrated because I will present a plan in prayer and get no answer as to whether it is right or not.
I have also been thinking about my Mom a lot today. I know prayer works and I know that Heavenly Father's will will be done in all things. I have just been wondering if it is my prayers that are keeping her here. What if she is needed on the other side and because I am selfish and want my Mom, she is stuck here in a mortal frame filled with pain. The next thought is very hard for me to think. Can I let her go. Can I honestly say that if Heavenly Father needs her, that that is what I want too. Lest anyone think that my mom is going to die, she is in good health. The question still is, if she were called home, could I let her go without feeling bitter, angry, and resentful. I don't know the answer to that. I know the church is true and the Plan of Salvation is true. I know that I will see her again and all of that. She has been my best friend and confidant that I don't know that I could deal with life without her. I have trusted in God so many times before, why can't I trust Him in this. Why can't I trust Him that He knows what is best for me, my Mom, and family and not me? After all, He has never let me down in the past. I have been lifted and supported, protected and guided, when I have not deserved it.
Yet as I sit here typing all this out, a peace fills my heart that is not me. It tells me that yeah, I could do it. I can do anything, if I but have the faith to do His will. The shadowed path in front of me may not be the easiest one to trod, but I haven't fallen off yet. I suppose I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and let The Lord guide my footsteps.
2 comments:
oh, Kelsi...honey, if you've read my blog at ALL you know I've gone through similar trials (to say the least...=) Here is what I know to be true in my life.
You are not selfish for wanting your mom around a little longer. no one would fault you for that, least of all me. That being said, no amount of knowledge, faith or trust in the Lord's plan prepares you for the loss of a parent, whether you're 15 or 29, both ages I lost my parents. at least you have an inkling of what may soon come; I was blindsided on both accounts.
My advice is this: whatever the case, live your life with NO REGRETS. Spend and cherish each and every day with your mom that you can. Don't let the little things annoy you, don't let petty things dampen your relationship. Tell her each and everytime you say goodbye how much you love her and appreciate everything she's done for you; you NEVER know which of those times will be the last.
Who knows, maybe you will be blessed and have her around for a long time...maybe she'll get to meet her grandkids that your will give her...maybe she'll get to see them grow up with you...and maybe her work on earth will be done in a year. This is the reality of life. The ONLY thing that is IN YOUR CONTROL is how you choose to spend your time with your loved ones. If all you do is make more memories and make sure she knows what she has meant to you and how much you love her and you do that on a daily basis, than you will be far better off than i.
I love you. If you ever need to talk anything through, know that I will be there to listen, ok? don't hesitate.
Hang in there Kels, everything will work out the way it's supposed to. :)
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