Run Away

I wrote in my actually journal last night. It was nice to get things out that I don't intend to share with anyone. Perhaps that is the reason that today, I just want to run away. Maybe if I run far enough, everything will go back to normal. I know it won't but the thought of it is wonderful.

Today My Heart Hurts

My heart has been slowly breaking since Jarom's passing. Today, my heart hurts. The weight of missing him is starting to sink in. I long for just one more chance to hug him. What am I going to do without him?

I know there is beauty in my sorrow. I have felt it and seen it. I have felt comfort and solace. I know I will see my brother again, I just wish I didn't have to wait so long.

"Cold" Water

Austin and I bought a house. I love my house. I love having solid floors again, and I love having a/c instead of swamp. I love it. We are having one hiccup though, the hot water heater that my bathroom uses is not working so Austin and I haven't been using our bathroom to shower. Sunday, I decided to bite the bullet and just use our shower with straight cold water. Let me tell you, Arizona is wonderful. I don't need hot water right now. My "cold" water is the perfect temperature to shower in the summer. It is cool and refreshing, not cold. I would go so far to say that it is the perfect temperature. I know it won't last forever and that I will eventually have to have Jarom come look at the water heater again, but right now, it is wonderful.

Pondering

A few months ago, I set a goal to attend the temple every week. Thus far, I have been doing very good. I have felt closer to my Savior and have felt better in general.

I sometimes get impressions while I am at the temple, either while I am waiting in initiatory or sitting in the celestial room after a session. Sadly, I have not been very good about writing these impressions down. Tonight, however, I had to do it.

I was doing initiatory for some family names. As I was sitting and waiting, I thought about a person who is dear to me. She hasn't gone through the temple, but I hope one day she will. I was thinking about the future day and how joyful it would be to be with her in the celestial room. How joyful it would be to welcome her into that holy place, and part of me was joyous at her coming as I sat in initiatory.

My mind then turned to my in-laws. They are not members, but I wanted them to partake in this joy I was feeling. I wanted them to be there with me to feel eternity and know that there is more to this life than their seemingly pointless sufferings. I wanted them to feel the love that permeates every corner of that hallowed edifice.

Then I thought of Austin. My dear, sweet Austin. How I wish the temple would go through him as it has me. I wish he would come with me. I miss him so. Oh what a joyous occasion it will be when I can sit with him in the celestial room again.

The problem with all these beautiful thoughts is I don't know how to make them happen. I do know, though, that I receive answers in the temple, and that I suppose is why I will continue to go. So the question of how to help these dear loved ones will be given.

New puppy

We got a new puppy and I named him Jaxson. He drives me crazy, but I have learned some things about myself and I have learned to wash a dog and crate in ten minutes.

Buster isn't too sure about him still but they haven't killed each other yet.

Other things

I have a million other things that I should be doing right now, but I really feel that I need to write this story right now. It is not to toot my own horn or anything like that. Neither is this a story to degrade my mom. Don't judge, everyone has their own demons.

A little less than four years ago, my Aunt Louise passed away. She was a good lady and is sorely missed. Her funeral was held in Benson/Pomerene, about an hour from Thatcher. Jason and Velika had come up Friday night, we were all planning on driving down together.

I remember waking up the morning of the funeral and laying in bed thinking about family members that I would see and being excited to see everyone. Yes, it was a funeral and a subdue occasion, but I can lie, I was looking forward to it. As I laid there, a feeling came over me that if I went to the funeral, my mother would not be a live when we got home. It was not a passing thought or something I could put aside. I knew.

I went down stairs and my Dad asked me why I wasn't getting ready, I told him of the impression that I had and he said that he had been having the same feeling. I didn't go. I wish I could have, but I was needed at home.

My mom got mad at me. She said she didn't need a babysitter, that she wasn't even thinking about that when she wanted to stay home. You know what? I believe her, I do not think she would have intentionally taken her life that day. But knowing what I know, if she would have been home alone that day, she wouldn't have been alive when we got home.

I love my mother, I hope she knows that.

Plans

One of my favorite quotes is, "the best laid plans of mice and men." That seems to describe my life. We plan so many things as people. Some things we can make happen and others we can't, they are just hopes that we want to happen.

I know in the grand scheme of things, this little incident won't make a difference, but I think it applies to life.

Austin and I (me especially) wanted to get cruise control put on our Focus. We bought the proper steering wheel, set the appointment to get it put on, and brought the car to the dealership. Well, they started to work on my car and the me3chanics found out that I don't have a fly by wire throttle. Which breaks down to I do not have an electric throttle, so unless I want to spend thousands of dollars (which I don't) I can't put cruise control on my car.

I have had several situations in my life where I have prepared as much as possible, but the out come wasn't what I wanted. I have learned that there is a better reason than I can think of as to why the situation didn't turn out like I had planned. Sometimes, I was in the exact place I needed to lift someone who was down or learned from the different path that was laid before me. I don't know what this minor life set back will bring, but I am sure there will be a better "prize" than my wanted cruise control.